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Happy Anniversary to me!
Today is my wedding anniversary! Josh and I have been married for 8 years today. And since my husband is made of awesome, he gave me flowers and chocolate and bath products and a rhyming card that he wrote. And he also wrote fanfic !ABOUT ME! complete with manips. This fic is full of inside jokes but I think it's mostly accessible to People Who Are Not Us. It's based on, among other things, my great love of Ryan Adams and James Marsters, a trip to the Georgia Aquarium, and my amusement over the fatty!Jensen phenomenon. So, without further ado:
Exclusive to Star
Fangirls everywhere are shocked at the tragic death of former superstar singer-songwriter Ryan Adams. News reached our sources early yesterday from Tokyo, where Adams was apparently secluding himself from his psychotic girlfriend Mandy Moore. Sources close to the deceased musician informed Star that Adams, “just had to like get away from her because she was all begging him to write more songs and s—t, and Ri-Ri was just not down with that anymore.” Unfortunately for Adams (though fortunate for Star), Moore proved to be extremely persistent, and while rifling through the heaps of garbage strewn about their Manhatten bungalow, discovered a shrine to another woman. Star has obtained a photograph in which Adams is seen with reformed-junkie turned acting legend James Marsters and an unknown woman.
This undeniably racy photo links the trio (sources say they were very close) to the “Spike” period of Marsters’s staggeringly brilliant career. Amazingly, Marsters has chosen to come forward with details surrounding the final days of Adams’s life. The following interview with Marsters, conducted by our very own Donna Keigh Bahlacher leaves no doubt as to the real nature of the relationship between Adams, Marsters and the woman we all refer to as “Mystery”.
Star: So, like what happened? That was some awful tragic looking death in the photos.
Marsters: Well, we all know what a self-absorbed pussy faced wank Ryan was right? With that in mind, is it really all that difficult to believe the man would s—t himself to death after being beaten senseless by a girl?
Star: *looks nervous* You’re saying that Ri-Ri was murdered? How awful!
Marsters: What-the-f—k-ever, quit playing the douche love. We…er that is, she, got tired of all the useless hero worship.
Star: *squirms*
Marsters: Christ! Calm down alright? I’m not going to bite you, that part of my fabulous career’s over remember?
Star: S-sure Mr. Marsters. Whatever you say!
Marsters: That’s the bootlicking I’m talking about! Why can’t you treat this like you would if any other person died? Say David Boreanz.
Star: Who?
Marsters: Nevermind…idiot.
Star: What?
Marsters: Nothing, nothing. Anyway, the last time anyone say Ryan alive he looked like this right?
Star: Uh, where did you get that photo of Ri-Ri and Ma-Mo?
Marsters: Neveryoumind love. Let’s just stay I’ve got “sources”. That’s what you lot do right?
Star: Mr. Marsters! Our sources are reliable and well paid.
Marsters: Whatever. Well, after running away from that gold digging trollop and her constant nagging, Adams found himself craving company of a different sort.
Star: Ooooh! Do tell James!
James: Don’t call me James, I hate James.
Star: *nervous* Yes Mr. Marsters.
Marsters: Better. Where was I? Yeah…anyway, Adams called me from Tokyo. He was insisting I put him in touch with an old flame, and being the friend I am, I decided to help.
Star: So who is this mysterious former lover?
Marsters: Why is it always about sex with you filthy d—ks? We….er they were friends, nothing more.
Star: Uhh? Do you need a minute?
Marsters: Yeah, give us a bit.
(Marsters left the room, closing the door behind him. He later returned after much swearing and breaking of furniture.)
Marsters: Right. So I told Adams where to meet up with our mutual friend, and sat back to watch the fireworks. See, Adams blew her off years ago. He played the “gonna go be a rock-star” nonsense, and she was pissed…apparently was very pissed if this photo’s any evidence.
Star: How awful! Ri-Ri’s little thighs are doused by poo-poo juice!
Marsters: His own poo-poo juice love.
Star: We know this must be diffi-
Marsters: No. This is not difficult. I’m enjoying myself more these days…wonder why?
(Cellphone rings)
Marsters: Could we stop here? I simply must take this call, acting business and whatnot.
Marsters ended the interview there, thanking Donna for her time and pleading no-comment regarding the “why is it so blue?” question we’ve been dying to have answered.
Exclusive to Star
Scientists, the majority of who are fans of the CW’s smash hit Supernatural, have renamed this fish
Jaredpadaleckifish (scientific name ieatdouchebagsemenformycareericus) in honor of their favorite (ours too) actor. When asked to comment, Jensen Ackles vomited all over the microphone. When asked to comment on his vomit, Ackles stated “I’ve been looking at these squiggly characters on websites, and my friends read them to me, and they all say I’m too fat, so I’m puking off the pounds. Who wants a hooker?”
Also, recent pictures of us! Because I looked hot at New Years in that pimp coat, baby.
Exclusive to Star
Fangirls everywhere are shocked at the tragic death of former superstar singer-songwriter Ryan Adams. News reached our sources early yesterday from Tokyo, where Adams was apparently secluding himself from his psychotic girlfriend Mandy Moore. Sources close to the deceased musician informed Star that Adams, “just had to like get away from her because she was all begging him to write more songs and s—t, and Ri-Ri was just not down with that anymore.” Unfortunately for Adams (though fortunate for Star), Moore proved to be extremely persistent, and while rifling through the heaps of garbage strewn about their Manhatten bungalow, discovered a shrine to another woman. Star has obtained a photograph in which Adams is seen with reformed-junkie turned acting legend James Marsters and an unknown woman.
This undeniably racy photo links the trio (sources say they were very close) to the “Spike” period of Marsters’s staggeringly brilliant career. Amazingly, Marsters has chosen to come forward with details surrounding the final days of Adams’s life. The following interview with Marsters, conducted by our very own Donna Keigh Bahlacher leaves no doubt as to the real nature of the relationship between Adams, Marsters and the woman we all refer to as “Mystery”.
Star: So, like what happened? That was some awful tragic looking death in the photos.
Marsters: Well, we all know what a self-absorbed pussy faced wank Ryan was right? With that in mind, is it really all that difficult to believe the man would s—t himself to death after being beaten senseless by a girl?
Star: *looks nervous* You’re saying that Ri-Ri was murdered? How awful!
Marsters: What-the-f—k-ever, quit playing the douche love. We…er that is, she, got tired of all the useless hero worship.
Star: *squirms*
Marsters: Christ! Calm down alright? I’m not going to bite you, that part of my fabulous career’s over remember?
Star: S-sure Mr. Marsters. Whatever you say!
Marsters: That’s the bootlicking I’m talking about! Why can’t you treat this like you would if any other person died? Say David Boreanz.
Star: Who?
Marsters: Nevermind…idiot.
Star: What?
Marsters: Nothing, nothing. Anyway, the last time anyone say Ryan alive he looked like this right?
Star: Uh, where did you get that photo of Ri-Ri and Ma-Mo?
Marsters: Neveryoumind love. Let’s just stay I’ve got “sources”. That’s what you lot do right?
Star: Mr. Marsters! Our sources are reliable and well paid.
Marsters: Whatever. Well, after running away from that gold digging trollop and her constant nagging, Adams found himself craving company of a different sort.
Star: Ooooh! Do tell James!
James: Don’t call me James, I hate James.
Star: *nervous* Yes Mr. Marsters.
Marsters: Better. Where was I? Yeah…anyway, Adams called me from Tokyo. He was insisting I put him in touch with an old flame, and being the friend I am, I decided to help.
Star: So who is this mysterious former lover?
Marsters: Why is it always about sex with you filthy d—ks? We….er they were friends, nothing more.
Star: Uhh? Do you need a minute?
Marsters: Yeah, give us a bit.
(Marsters left the room, closing the door behind him. He later returned after much swearing and breaking of furniture.)
Marsters: Right. So I told Adams where to meet up with our mutual friend, and sat back to watch the fireworks. See, Adams blew her off years ago. He played the “gonna go be a rock-star” nonsense, and she was pissed…apparently was very pissed if this photo’s any evidence.
Star: How awful! Ri-Ri’s little thighs are doused by poo-poo juice!
Marsters: His own poo-poo juice love.
Star: We know this must be diffi-
Marsters: No. This is not difficult. I’m enjoying myself more these days…wonder why?
(Cellphone rings)
Marsters: Could we stop here? I simply must take this call, acting business and whatnot.
Marsters ended the interview there, thanking Donna for her time and pleading no-comment regarding the “why is it so blue?” question we’ve been dying to have answered.
Exclusive to Star
Scientists, the majority of who are fans of the CW’s smash hit Supernatural, have renamed this fish
Jaredpadaleckifish (scientific name ieatdouchebagsemenformycareericus) in honor of their favorite (ours too) actor. When asked to comment, Jensen Ackles vomited all over the microphone. When asked to comment on his vomit, Ackles stated “I’ve been looking at these squiggly characters on websites, and my friends read them to me, and they all say I’m too fat, so I’m puking off the pounds. Who wants a hooker?”
Also, recent pictures of us! Because I looked hot at New Years in that pimp coat, baby.
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*hugs*
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Thank you!
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Thank you darling!
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Tell Josh I think he's a genius, y'all look awesome and I will be quoting:
"Well, we all know what a self-absorbed pussy faced wank Ryan was right?" all night. Pussy-faced wank. *dies*
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*dies laughing*
Thank you, sweetpea.
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*hugs*
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Thank you!!!!
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Thanks, sweetie!