lunabee34

This has been a very difficult year for me. Even more difficult than last year which is not something I'd have thought possible in December 2016. I haven't posted about much of it and probably won't; just now I began typing out a post and ended up deleting it. I think if you were all here with me, hanging out and eating some gluten-free brownies, I'd be willing to talk about it in person, but I'm not willing to commit all my raggedy edges to the vagaries of the internet, even in a friends-locked post.

I think we all have struggled with the global political climate. I have greeted every day with a thrill of anxiety in my stomach wondering what horrible, new travesty our president was going to introduce. Worrying about politics has been like a grey film over everything. I've done what I can to mitigate the effects; I don't constantly read news or dwell, but the anxiety is inescapable for me.

My father finally got put on maintenance chemo; it'll just happen every four months instead of every couple weeks like he'd been going (for more than a year!). The chemo had made him virtually blind, but he had cataract surgery and can see again. He seems in good spirits. My mother continues slogging downhill. She's decided that she has to subsume her entire being in caring for my father, and it's difficult for me to watch her not take care of herself. She's also discovered that she has some dietary issues beyond celiac and isn't addressing them appropriately; she's depressed, which I get. Any dietary restrictions on top of gluten just suck ass and make everything that much harder; she's also convinced that if she cooks according to these new restrictions, it won't be any good, and she has to make meals that are appealing to my dad because he's sick and needs to eat well. My super-strict IC diet was very much like what she needs to do, and while it did suck, we made excellent meals. We quit making a few dishes (beef stew with no tomatoes is just not good to me, so I quit making it), but ate very well.

Josh's parents are having a lot of problems. Josh's mother is depressed. She pretty much sleeps all day, goes nowhere, and does nothing. She's having pretty severe memory issues although she doesn't believe she's really having a problem. She did agree to go to the memory center and be evaluated, so hopefully that will happen soon. Josh's dad is [redacted], which makes that whole situation a thousand times worse.

Let's have some good stuff. I've pretty much adapted to living gluten free. I've only been accidentally glutened a handful of times in the last year, and never had symptoms that lasted for more than a day (which I'm grateful for; when mom gets accidentally glutened, she's sick for weeks). I have mostly made my peace with having celiac. I've learned to cook at home, most restaurants now offer gf meals, and I have friends who are willing to accommodate my dietary needs. I still miss some foods (although not acutely), and I still feel alienated when there's food at work or at events. But on the whole, I'm doing really well.

I maintained a very strict, non-overlapping interstitial cystitis diet from January to August, and that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. The list of foods I couldn't eat was so comprehensive (most fruit, onions, lunch meat, lima beans, all condiments, soy, etc, etc at nauseum). I was really frustrated and angry for most of that 8 months; sure, I could go to a restaurant and get a gf meal, but not one that met these additional requirements. When we traveled, I usually sat in the car and ate a power bar. It was super sucky. But! I have been able to add back most foods on the list with no problems, and life is sooooooooo much better. I haven't added back caffeine or carbonation and will probably never add those items back. I haven't touched anything spicy, tomatoes, or citrus, but I'm intending to do some testing of those items in the new year; I have eaten a few things that list citric acid as an ingredient and been mostly okay with that. I'm just so glad I can eat soy and onions and apples and lunch meat and blackberries and everything else again. I even had salad dressing on a salad TWO TIMES over Christmas. My days of baked potato and steak are coming to a middle (because baked potato and steak is awesome! but not when you eat it over and over and over again LOL).

My daughters kick ass. Watching Fiona grow into a little person has been so fantastic; she has had so many leaps forward developmentally this year. In fact, just in the last two weeks, she seems to have developed on the vocabulary, maturity, and poise levels. She's doing extremely well with math (counting, sorting, simple addition, shapes), and she is sounding things out like a champ and memorizing sight words. Watching her learn is so freaking awesome. Emma is amazing. She and I spend a lot of time together, and I am so happy that we have such a good relationship. She trusts me and talks to me about things and genuinely seems to enjoy my company, which is so gratifying. She is so mature for her age, and I'm so grateful that she's got her head on straight about so many things that I was a complete dumbass about at that age. I can't believe I've only got her for three more years. *sniffle*

In other excellent news, I continued to lose weight in the beginning of 2017 and finally settled at a total weight loss of about 50 pounds. I've maintained that weight loss and maintained my exercise commitment. I've maintained good sleep hygiene. I continue to feel pretty good physically.

On the work front, I was extremely productive this year: designing new classes, designing a new program, conducting a still on-going research project, coordinating and planning a conference, giving conference papers, writing the foreword to the latest edition of the journal of the professional organization I president, and many other professional activities.

My goal every day was to be productive, learn something, and feel as if my actions had meaning (whether that was grading, reading an academic article about Ouida, shopping with Emma, or cleaning my house to name a few examples)--and for the most part, I achieved that goal. Despite all the negative energy of this year, I felt powerful, creative, good at my job, in control of my body, productive, and accomplished. I am very, very grateful for those feelings.

My stated goals for 2017 were to build my wardrobe, start lifting weights in addition to cardio, and read more books. I have had much success building my wardrobe; in fact, while I'd still like a few pieces here and there, the only real hole in my wardrobe in this point is a suit and a couple pairs of work pants. Considering that I started 2016 with almost nothing to wear, this is remarkable. I am so happy with my clothes now; every single item hanging in my closet is something I like, something that looks good on me, something that fits me. I am so grateful. There's no digging or hunting; I can just go into my closet and lay my hands on a garment and wear it. Reading was an amazing success. For a few years leading up to 2017, I'd quit reading books for pleasure; I read here and there but nothing like the voracious reader I used to be. For 2017, I got on Goodreads and set myself a goal of 100 books. Several of you advised me that was probably too ambitious, so I set the goal down to 50. As of today, I've read 81 books, and depending on how much time I have this afternoon, I might top out at 82! I'm so proud of myself. I feel like myself again. Reading has been such an important part of my identity, and I hadn't realized how much not reading was affecting me. A significant part of those positive feelings I listed in the previous paragraph stem from me having an active reading life. As far as lifting weights goes, almost total failure. I lifted for a while and then just quit. When I'm already doing about an hour of cardio, adding more gym time just seems pretty bleck.

Goals for 2018

1. Continue reading. I'm setting my Goodreads goal for 100 this year.

2. Find a two piece suit, at least two pairs of work pants, and at least one pair of closed toes shoes I can wear with professional outfits.

3. Add weight lifting to my exercise routine. I think I have a plan that might actually succeed. Last semester, I started going to the gym around two, riding the bike for an hour (while reading! yay!), picking up Emma, and going back to the gym with her so she can run (she does not dig running outside or alone). If I get my hour's worth of cardio beforehand, then I can use the half hour while Emma is running to lift weights.

4. Do a better job of putting down the screens and paying attention to my family. I've gotten better about this, but sometimes I catch myself on my phone or computer when I could be hanging out with my family and spending time with them, and I want to train myself out of that habit.

5. Pay off my credit card. I did a balance transfer at the beginning of 2017 so I'd stop accruing interest and paid almost five grand off on that card this year. I think I can pay that card off entirely by December 2018. *crosses fingers* We've made pretty good in-roads on Josh's card as well, but I don't think we'll be able to completely pay it off; that'll be a 2019 goal (and incidentally, we'll finish paying off the debt we owe to my parents in 2019; so 2019 might be a debt-free year!).

Crossposts: https://lunabee34.livejournal.com/540070.html

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

princessofgeeks

ALL THE HUGS

From:

lunabee34

Right back at you!

From:

jackandahat

Your daughters are awesome - and they're lucky to have you.

It has been a hell of a rough year. I understand what you mean about not wanting to commit that to DW. *hugs*

Good luck in 2018!

From:

lunabee34

Thank you! I feel lucky to have them, and doubly lucky since my relationship with my own mother has been so fraught. I'm so glad I have a better relationship with them than I do with mine.

Good luck to you, too! I hope we all get good things this year.

From:

chelseagirl

many hugs! and hopefully a more thoughtful reply later from a non phone keyboard.

From:

lunabee34

Thank you, sweetie.

*hugs hugs*

From:

wendelah1

It was a terrible year, for so many people I know. Despite everything, you managed to keep working at important goals--the dietary stuff alone would have broken me.

Credit card debt is so damned easy to accumulate. All it took was a couple of big car repairs, a leaking roof, etc. and pretty soon we had over thirty grand in debt on several cards back in the nineties. When interest rates finally dropped into the single digits, we paid it off by taking out a second on our house. After that we were able to quit using cards, paid off the mortgage, paid off the second, managed to save some money for emergencies. Put our kid through college debt-free. Living without debt is a good feeling. You'll get there.

Watching your parents suffer from age-related health problems is a heartbreak I have learned about first hand. It's not something I can control--or escape from myself. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

Reading is essential to my well-being, too. Good luck with your 2018 goal.

Here's to a much happier New Year for us all.

From:

lunabee34

*nods nods*

I have to admit that most of our credit card debt comes from the first half of our marriage when we lived in a really awesome foodie town and lived way above our means. We've been pretty disciplined with the cards in the past ten years, and once we get these paid off, I don't think we'll have this issue again (barring a true catastrophe). In the last two years we've made real strides in managing our money.

I was actually surprised by how much reading means to me. For a long time, I didn't even recognize my lack of reading as a symptom of a problem; it was a little astonishing to see how much better it makes me feel and how quickly.

I'm sorry you've also dealt with issues with your parents aging. I suppose all of us except the very lucky (or people whose parents don't live into old age) have to deal with some degree of age related issues, but it sucks so hard.

Happy New Year and best wishes for you and your family.

From:

monanotlisa

This was good to read; thank you for sharing, Lorraine. A Happy New Year to you all!

From:

lunabee34

*hugs*

Happy New Year to you and Sally, too!

I hope 2018 is kinder to us all.

From:

independence1776

*hugs* I hope you have a much better 2018.

From:

lunabee34

Thank you.

I hope yours is fantastic as well.

From:

chelseagirl

Wow. Back with a full keyboard. I'm sorry you've had so much bad going on, and delighted to hear about the good.

This year is the first year I haven't made the Goodreads 100 in a long while, and I didn't even make my amended goal of 75. But I am reading longer books and spending more time writing, so I am allowing myself less pressure in that regard and setting it to 50.

Let's hope this is the year we start taking things back.

From:

lunabee34

I like that. Yes, we will start taking things back.

*hugs*

I hope 2018 is good for you, too.

I also had an issue with book length. Several of the books I read this year were like 800 pages, and they took a lot longer to read; also books of that length tend to be more dense and something that needs to be read more slowly anyway.

I think your idea of setting it to 50 is a good one, especially since you want to prioritize writing.

From:

umadoshi

I hope this year is better in every conceivable way. *hugshugs*

I'm so glad you've been able to branch back out on the food front; I hope your ventures with citrus etc. work out!

And I'm so very, very glad to know you. ^_^

From:

lunabee34

I'm so glad to know you, too!

Thank you for all the well wishes. I am holding on to my optimism for 2018; first day in hasn't been too bad. LOL

From:

feldman

Slow steady progress is game-changing but so hard to keep on track, especially during such a shitshow year as this has been *hugs*.

From:

lunabee34

*nods nods*

I love your icon. Nichelle Nichols is so beautiful.

From:

likeadeuce

God, you have been dealing with so much but your goals and perspective on everything seem really to be in order. Also love hearing about your kids and that they are such a positive part of your life. And yay for reading more!

I need to do a 2017 reading post on DW . . .