lunabee34

This has been a very difficult year for me. Even more difficult than last year which is not something I'd have thought possible in December 2016. I haven't posted about much of it and probably won't; just now I began typing out a post and ended up deleting it. I think if you were all here with me, hanging out and eating some gluten-free brownies, I'd be willing to talk about it in person, but I'm not willing to commit all my raggedy edges to the vagaries of the internet, even in a friends-locked post.

I think we all have struggled with the global political climate. I have greeted every day with a thrill of anxiety in my stomach wondering what horrible, new travesty our president was going to introduce. Worrying about politics has been like a grey film over everything. I've done what I can to mitigate the effects; I don't constantly read news or dwell, but the anxiety is inescapable for me.

My father finally got put on maintenance chemo; it'll just happen every four months instead of every couple weeks like he'd been going (for more than a year!). The chemo had made him virtually blind, but he had cataract surgery and can see again. He seems in good spirits. My mother continues slogging downhill. She's decided that she has to subsume her entire being in caring for my father, and it's difficult for me to watch her not take care of herself. She's also discovered that she has some dietary issues beyond celiac and isn't addressing them appropriately; she's depressed, which I get. Any dietary restrictions on top of gluten just suck ass and make everything that much harder; she's also convinced that if she cooks according to these new restrictions, it won't be any good, and she has to make meals that are appealing to my dad because he's sick and needs to eat well. My super-strict IC diet was very much like what she needs to do, and while it did suck, we made excellent meals. We quit making a few dishes (beef stew with no tomatoes is just not good to me, so I quit making it), but ate very well.

Josh's parents are having a lot of problems. Josh's mother is depressed. She pretty much sleeps all day, goes nowhere, and does nothing. She's having pretty severe memory issues although she doesn't believe she's really having a problem. She did agree to go to the memory center and be evaluated, so hopefully that will happen soon. Josh's dad is [redacted], which makes that whole situation a thousand times worse.

Let's have some good stuff. I've pretty much adapted to living gluten free. I've only been accidentally glutened a handful of times in the last year, and never had symptoms that lasted for more than a day (which I'm grateful for; when mom gets accidentally glutened, she's sick for weeks). I have mostly made my peace with having celiac. I've learned to cook at home, most restaurants now offer gf meals, and I have friends who are willing to accommodate my dietary needs. I still miss some foods (although not acutely), and I still feel alienated when there's food at work or at events. But on the whole, I'm doing really well.

I maintained a very strict, non-overlapping interstitial cystitis diet from January to August, and that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. The list of foods I couldn't eat was so comprehensive (most fruit, onions, lunch meat, lima beans, all condiments, soy, etc, etc at nauseum). I was really frustrated and angry for most of that 8 months; sure, I could go to a restaurant and get a gf meal, but not one that met these additional requirements. When we traveled, I usually sat in the car and ate a power bar. It was super sucky. But! I have been able to add back most foods on the list with no problems, and life is sooooooooo much better. I haven't added back caffeine or carbonation and will probably never add those items back. I haven't touched anything spicy, tomatoes, or citrus, but I'm intending to do some testing of those items in the new year; I have eaten a few things that list citric acid as an ingredient and been mostly okay with that. I'm just so glad I can eat soy and onions and apples and lunch meat and blackberries and everything else again. I even had salad dressing on a salad TWO TIMES over Christmas. My days of baked potato and steak are coming to a middle (because baked potato and steak is awesome! but not when you eat it over and over and over again LOL).

My daughters kick ass. Watching Fiona grow into a little person has been so fantastic; she has had so many leaps forward developmentally this year. In fact, just in the last two weeks, she seems to have developed on the vocabulary, maturity, and poise levels. She's doing extremely well with math (counting, sorting, simple addition, shapes), and she is sounding things out like a champ and memorizing sight words. Watching her learn is so freaking awesome. Emma is amazing. She and I spend a lot of time together, and I am so happy that we have such a good relationship. She trusts me and talks to me about things and genuinely seems to enjoy my company, which is so gratifying. She is so mature for her age, and I'm so grateful that she's got her head on straight about so many things that I was a complete dumbass about at that age. I can't believe I've only got her for three more years. *sniffle*

In other excellent news, I continued to lose weight in the beginning of 2017 and finally settled at a total weight loss of about 50 pounds. I've maintained that weight loss and maintained my exercise commitment. I've maintained good sleep hygiene. I continue to feel pretty good physically.

On the work front, I was extremely productive this year: designing new classes, designing a new program, conducting a still on-going research project, coordinating and planning a conference, giving conference papers, writing the foreword to the latest edition of the journal of the professional organization I president, and many other professional activities.

My goal every day was to be productive, learn something, and feel as if my actions had meaning (whether that was grading, reading an academic article about Ouida, shopping with Emma, or cleaning my house to name a few examples)--and for the most part, I achieved that goal. Despite all the negative energy of this year, I felt powerful, creative, good at my job, in control of my body, productive, and accomplished. I am very, very grateful for those feelings.

My stated goals for 2017 were to build my wardrobe, start lifting weights in addition to cardio, and read more books. I have had much success building my wardrobe; in fact, while I'd still like a few pieces here and there, the only real hole in my wardrobe in this point is a suit and a couple pairs of work pants. Considering that I started 2016 with almost nothing to wear, this is remarkable. I am so happy with my clothes now; every single item hanging in my closet is something I like, something that looks good on me, something that fits me. I am so grateful. There's no digging or hunting; I can just go into my closet and lay my hands on a garment and wear it. Reading was an amazing success. For a few years leading up to 2017, I'd quit reading books for pleasure; I read here and there but nothing like the voracious reader I used to be. For 2017, I got on Goodreads and set myself a goal of 100 books. Several of you advised me that was probably too ambitious, so I set the goal down to 50. As of today, I've read 81 books, and depending on how much time I have this afternoon, I might top out at 82! I'm so proud of myself. I feel like myself again. Reading has been such an important part of my identity, and I hadn't realized how much not reading was affecting me. A significant part of those positive feelings I listed in the previous paragraph stem from me having an active reading life. As far as lifting weights goes, almost total failure. I lifted for a while and then just quit. When I'm already doing about an hour of cardio, adding more gym time just seems pretty bleck.

Goals for 2018

1. Continue reading. I'm setting my Goodreads goal for 100 this year.

2. Find a two piece suit, at least two pairs of work pants, and at least one pair of closed toes shoes I can wear with professional outfits.

3. Add weight lifting to my exercise routine. I think I have a plan that might actually succeed. Last semester, I started going to the gym around two, riding the bike for an hour (while reading! yay!), picking up Emma, and going back to the gym with her so she can run (she does not dig running outside or alone). If I get my hour's worth of cardio beforehand, then I can use the half hour while Emma is running to lift weights.

4. Do a better job of putting down the screens and paying attention to my family. I've gotten better about this, but sometimes I catch myself on my phone or computer when I could be hanging out with my family and spending time with them, and I want to train myself out of that habit.

5. Pay off my credit card. I did a balance transfer at the beginning of 2017 so I'd stop accruing interest and paid almost five grand off on that card this year. I think I can pay that card off entirely by December 2018. *crosses fingers* We've made pretty good in-roads on Josh's card as well, but I don't think we'll be able to completely pay it off; that'll be a 2019 goal (and incidentally, we'll finish paying off the debt we owe to my parents in 2019; so 2019 might be a debt-free year!).