(no subject)

[lunabee34]

1. Once AO3 comes back up, go read the amazing story corvidology wrote me for Christmas:

Never Get Drunk with a Baltian Trader
Star Trek AOS
Kirk & Bones & Spock gen
Hijinks and shenanigans

2. Turns out I'm more fucked up about my parents yelling us at us that we're all going to hell and that's my fault specifically for damning my children than I thought. When I first got back from Christmas, I was just so relieved to be here, and I felt very even-keeled. Now I wonder if I just felt numb for awhile because I am currently struggling with figuring out how I'm going to interact with them in the future and going over all the old existential questions their upbringing gave me and reading a truly unhealthy amount of Stranger Things fanfic in a way that is indicative I'm trying to bury/ignore my feelings. :(

3. Today I participated in the first day of a Symposium about Death and Dying with the junior and senior Respiratory Therapy cohort. Later in the semester I'll lead a writing workshop with these students that I've designed in collaboration with the RT faculty. It's an incredibly cool and necessary project because coping with death is almost always left out of the curriculum in other programs (discussing it isn't even an accreditation criterion OMG!), but it is so so heavy. I am sad and overwhelmed at listening to my colleagues talk about their experiences with losing patients over the course of their careers, so impressed with their courage, and grateful that we have people who are willing to do their jobs.

4. Hi hi!

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

The thing with your parents had to be very wrenching. I am here to listen any time. Love you.

[lunabee34]

Thank you, my friend. *hugs* I always appreciate the support.

[amejisuto]

I'll have to look at that fic! It sounds interesting just from the title!

I'm sorry your parents are so toxic and have you tied up in knots. Would it help to give them an ultimatum? Either say something nice or say nothing at all or we're going to have no contact for six months? In the meantime, read away. I once was depressed and read all thirty Xanth novels that were out at the time at once. By the end, I was sick of puns. LOL!

Wow, that symposium does sound important but depressing all at once. You're a good person for putting yourself through that!

HI! Nice to see you! LOL!

[lunabee34]

Ha! I remember the Xanth novels. I read a lot of those in high school.

I don't think giving them an ultimatum would be helpful. It would just be another conflict. I have some time before I have to be physically in their presence again (this summer). I think probably just going back to keeping my mouth shut while making sure Fiona knows (Dylan already knows) that specific things they say are crazy.

[amejisuto]

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them Liberals, but I don't think anyone has that much magic in them!

[lunabee34]

Oh no they do not.

[teaotter]

Starting to push back on the bad things said/done by the people you care about is really hard. For me, at least, there was a lot of grief as I had to let go of my hopes for our relationship to get better. It's a process. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

[lunabee34]

Thank you. *hugs*

It really is a grieving process. I have known intellectually a long time that they're not going to change and I've known exactly what they think of me, but hearing it said out loud is just so much worse. There's no more plausible deniability.

I'm really sorry you've had a similar experience. It sucks.

[archersangel]

hello!

[lunabee34]

Love that icon!

[archersangel]

thanks.

[jesse_the_k]

Ugh, why are families?

Vital VITAL work, teaching the RTs about death (father- and brother-in-laws both had COPD).

Waves!!!!!

[lunabee34]

You don't get to choose them, unfortunately.

COPD is so miserable; I'm sorry your family has gone through that.

The mental health toll on the RTs is so great, especially in pediatric cases. I can't imagine going through that.

[musesfool]

*hugs*

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

[thistleingrey]

Hi hello!

[lunabee34]

Heya!

[cathexys]

So so sorry about your parents. That is unbelievably painful, and I wouldn't even know how to start to deal with that! All the hugs!!!

And I just watched the first two eps of The Pitt (the new HBO ER show with Noah Wyle) and it really hits the stress doctors (esp ER doctors are under stress and touches a little bit on the PTSD of Covid). So I was sitting here thinking about how hard it must be to deal with patients dying and seeing their family suffering and...then I read your post. What an amazing collab! Our department has been teaching classes for/with/in the med school, mostly regarding ethics, and it seems to be really well received by the students, bc you're so right that they get way too little of the...other stuff...

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

I don't know how to deal with it and I've been living with it for the last 25 years.

The mental health toll on health care practitioners is so high. I could never do what they do, never. It makes no sense to me why this topic isn't a mandated topic in the curriculum. It's just setting them up for bad outcomes. Your ethics classes sound really cool and very necessary as well.

[extraarcha]

I feel for you.
In my rather large family, i'm not aware of anyone talking to anyone. Parents have passed a long while back. While we're all older, it's a curious change from all the former infighting, mostly low-key. I had to learn young (teens or there abouts) to let things wash over me and walk through them. Long time back, when things got dicey, i learned to grin and let them wonder what i found humorous. Fun for me was that the more off the wall things were, the cooler i got. Much easier to react suitably when you're not controlled by anger or other "fight or flight" emotion.
Hoping you'll work through your situation and come to a positive place. I'll be watching.

[lunabee34]

I'm so sorry things are fraught in your family, too. It's so hard when the people who should be on your side aren't.

That's good advice, and I think it's how I think I'm going to have to approach the situation going forward. I can't have fights with my parents like that in front of my kids anymore (unless they're actively attacking my kids; then all bets are off).

Thank you for the encouragement; I appreciate it.

[scintilla10]

It's so upsetting and hard to have to think about those kind of toxic family relationships and patterns. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. <3

(also lolsob I can also personally relate to burying my feelings through consuming massive amounts of Steve/Eddie fic.)

The symposium (and ongoing programming) sounds an amazing and critical project.

[lunabee34]

Thank you for reccing me so many good fics to lose myself in!

I really appreciate all your support and encouragement.

[lyr]

2. *hugs* I know that was a lot.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

It really was.

Thanks for the support, my friend.

[musyc]

Big mental hugs for point 2. :\

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

[timespirt]

"HUGS"

Your mom will regret what she said and that is not on you at all. That is on her. She will be the one who will lose in the end.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

Thank you, sweetie.

[minoanmiss]

hugs you You know I hear you.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

I know you do.

[sheafrotherdon]

Big hugs to you. Families are so hard. And there's so much grief bound up in accepting that this is who [insert relationship] are, and this is the life and relationship they have chosen.

Nothing wrong with diving into a fandom to cope. I often find I dive into something when my feelings are overwhelming - the 'thing' acts as a buffer so that I can let in the feelings little by little, held at a reasonable distance from me in their totality by that buffer. ♥

[lunabee34]

It really is a grieving process; I feel like I've been stuck in some combo of the bargaining and anger stages for the last 25 years, and it's so hard to move forward to acceptance and just realize this is what it is.

*hugs*

I appreciate your support so much.

[spikedluv]

*hugs*

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

[umadoshi]

The thing with your parents is awful and heartrending. *fierce hugs*

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

Thank you, friend.

[kat_lair]

As coping mechanisms go, fandom is one of the most harmless ones out there so don't be too hard on yourself.

[lunabee34]

This is very true! <3

*hugs*

[lokifan]

Oh my god :( That's so awful.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

Thank you, friend.

[havocthecat]

2. That's going to fuck you up. And it's okay not to react to something for a bit. Especially something so big. It takes time to process and figure out how you feel, which is pretty normal. It's a whole lot.

3. That sounds huge and so worthwhile. I'm so glad to hear you're a part of it!

[lunabee34]

Hugs

Thank you for the support. You are such a good friend.

[wendelah1]

Wow. I am horrified to hear about your parents' outburst. My mother's parents were devout Southern Methodists. (While she was growing up, my mother went to church several times a week and attended a Methodist women's college. My grandfather in particular was so involved in his church that there was an enormous photo of him hanging in his church's lobby (vestibule?) for years after his death.) I never remember feeling anything other than love and acceptance from my grandparents, despite the fact that my mother was an avowed atheist and my father was Jewish. (On the other hand, my mother's brothers never invited us into their homes. They were polite. Uncle John even took us all out for barbecue once or twice. Her sister, my beloved aunt Barbara, who died of breast cancer in her early seventies, was like my grandparents: warm and loving. We had sleepovers at her house every time we went to North Carolina. You just never know.) It does feel as though contemporary Evangelical Christianity is particularly vile in its attitudes toward unbelievers. But spoken aloud by your own parents? I have to say I am amazed that you're still on speaking terms with them.

It is good to see that death and dying is part of the curriculum for health care workers.

[lunabee34]

I'm so glad you had those wonderful and inclusive experiences with religion and family. That's worth so much. I feel so tainted by my experiences growing up that I feel spiritually bereft; I would like spiritual beliefs and practices, but I am kneejerk afraid of/against all of them. It's a trauma response.

I just don't know what to do about my parents. I want to have nothing to do with them anymore, but I also feel guilty and sad for hurting their feelings. It's also twisted up with every kind thing they've done for us, like I can put all the ways they've hurt me in one bowl of the scales and all the ways they've been good in the other--but I can't figure out which is heavier. It's been eating me up.

[wendelah1]

You are not responsible for their "hurt feelings." You haven't done anything wrong. They're trying to make you feel guilty for what? Believing in universal salvation and loving thy neighbor (or whatever your doctrinal/spiritual/moral beliefs are that are in opposition to theirs). Frankly
speaking, your parents are entirely in the wrong. You are the injured party. They said cruel things to you. That was a bad choice and bad choices? They can have consequences.

And having done something good in the past doesn't absolve someone for their bad actions in the present.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

Thank you so much for saying that. I know all these things intellectually. I just have trouble making my heart believe them. :/