Wanky Wank

[lunabee34]

Now that I’m done with Shadowlands I wanted to write a little something about what went into creating it. I started this fic in February, and it’s now September. SL has consumed a significant portion of my life; it’s possibly the lengthiest project I’ve ever worked on. It’s certainly one of which I’m very proud.

Possibly the wankiest thing I've ever done on lj

The Beginning

I got the idea for the story one day after rewatching parts of Ats Season 5. I’d just finished Roomies, a mediocre beginner’s piece that was a great learning experience for me, and I felt compelled to write something else as practice. I wanted to practice writing what kitty_poker1 calls “the tweeny bits,” those parts of a story that link together thought and action. I felt as if I’d improved dramatically in the areas of dialogue and internal monologue, but the descriptive passages that tie them together were lacking. In between talking and thinking, my characters looked, stared at each other, and sighed. I sometimes think I should’ve subtitled Roomies Or, Xander Sighed…..a Whole Fucking Lot.

Beyond the setup, “Xander finds out Spike is alive in L.A. and goes to see for himself,” I had very little plan for the fic in mind. I began with this image of Xander sitting on a beach in Nerja, Spain. Click here for a picture. I’d spent a summer there as an undergrad and absolutely loved it. The little nook on the beach where Xander sits actually exists and is a place I loved to sit and think in the evenings. (In the picture I’ve linked you to, it’s on the other side of the first big rock that juts out into the water after the beach hits the cliff wall.)

What amazed me is the way the fic seemed to have a life of its own. I hadn’t originally intended to have Xander interact with Cordelia before she died, but that part kinda wrote itself. Same thing with the Ethan/Andrew arc (but more on that later). I just looked at the page one day and literally saw myself writing a potential relationship for the two of them, as if I was outside the experience and not in fact controlling it. This was a drastically different writing experience for me than Roomies, which I had written almost in its entirety before posting. Although I appreciated the freedom generated by posting SL as I wrote it, doing so was also a scary thing at times. I got writer’s block. I took too long between parts. I felt sometimes as if I was focusing too much on the discrete entity of the chapter at hand rather than the work as a whole. It also freaked me out not knowing where I was going with the fic any more than my readers did.

Title

I had a really difficult time deciding on a title. Titles are important. They can be just a place holder, something only for purposes of identification, but the best titles add a layer to the text. They contribute in some way to the work that the story is trying to do. Someone cleverer than I could’ve created an original title LOL, but in the end I decided to use the title of a Ryan Adams’ song, “The Shadowlands,” from the album Love is Hell.

The Shadowlands

God, please bring the rain
Yeah, and bring it soon
Let it flood right through the houses
Into Judy’s room
With a father on amphetamines
Her mother hides the pearls
Reach out into the darkness
And find my little girl
Because she’s angry like a salesman
That couldn’t make a sale
Threw her wedding ring in the sewer
And damned them all to hell

Please lead her to the mountain
That you fashioned out of sand
While the roaches climb the walls
From the hotel where he calls
Most people never find a love
Most people never find a love
Sometimes you just can be a man
Sometimes you just can be a man
When you’re living in the darkness
Of the shadowlands
The shadowlands

The gender’s all wrong, but I think this song has some eerie parallels with Xander’s life. Although a variety of ideas exist on what exactly happened in Xander’s home life/childhood, I think we all can agree (from canonical evidence, at least) that some of it was unpleasant and probably involved his father. The first stanza of this song really captures a family torn apart by a father, the financial difficulties that arise from his problems, and a child’s impotent rage at the circumstances. I think the “her” that’s throwing away the ring in the song is the mother, but it still evokes the notion of a marriage destroyed by a family’s pain. Xander chooses not to marry Anya for fear that he will recreate the trauma he apparently witnessed in his own home. The final stanza of the song is very poignant for me—I can imagine Spike (and possibly Xander, too) feeling like love is an option his life no longer contains. But there’s hope at the end of the song. The song ends in darkness, but that darkness is tempered by the speaker’s assertion that Sometimes you just can be a man. Finally, all the Scoobies are liminal figures, but Spike especially. He has one foot in the demon world, one in the human (and is marginalized in both); he’s very much in the present but also tied to the distant past; he’s supernatural, but living in the natural world. Xander is similarly a liminal figure; he wants desperately to be “normal” but his involvement in the supernatural precludes that normality. I think “shadowlands” is as good a term as any for the in-between space the liminal figure occupies—not dark, not light; neither and yet both.


Song Inspiration

I ended up using a significant number of the songs on that album in SL, both as songs and as examples of poetry. Almost every song on the album reminds me of some pairing in the Buffyverse. There’s this great one, “Hotel Chelsea Nights” that has Angel/Wes written all over it. And don’t even get me started on the Whedonverse fanfic potential of Adams’ latest album Cold Roses. But I digress.

In the first chapter, I have Xander listening to “City Rain, City Streets.”

City Rain, City Streets

Oh, the city rain
It floods the city streets
And in my city bed
Out of my fucking head
Is it snowing in space?
God, I wish I could talk to you
Is it snowing in space?

And all the city snow
Freezes the Chelsea hotel
It stones the Chelsea girls
It stones the Chelsea boys
Is it snowing in space?
God, I wish I could talk to you
Is it snowing in space?

How does your body feel today?
I forgot to ask
Genius in a hospital bed with brier patch hair
It just isn’t fair
Taking bullets for a team of bad poets
How is it up there?
Taking bullets for the team
I really miss you
I fucked you over a million times
I fucked you over a million times
I fucked you over a million times and you died
You died
You died
You really died.

That song really struck me the first time I listened to it. The music itself doesn’t match the words. I expected it to be a happy song after listening to the opening bars (Yes, I know; the album title should’ve clued me in!!) And it really gets me in the gut when he sings I fucked you over a million times and you died. That’s the perfect song for a Spike/Scooby relationship, really from both sides of the equation.

Later on, Xander sings “Anybody Wanna Take me Home” just cause it’s fun. The song’s got great lyrics, just the right smushing together of angst and wry humor. It also amused me to think of this as Andrew’s favorite song.

Anybody Wanna Take Me Home

So, I am in the twilight of my youth
Not that I’m going to remember
And have you seen the moon tonight is it full?
Still burning its embers
The people dancing in the corner,
They seem happy
But I am sad
I am still dancing in the coma
Of the drinks I just had
Does anybody want to take me home?
Does anybody want to take me home?
Take me to your house,
And I’ll leave you alone
Of course I will
Of course I won’t
It seems so tragic . . .
But it disappears like magic
Like magic

Can you recommend an education or drugs
Because I am bored with you already
I’m on Broadway, and I think it’s a parade
I’m covered in pieces of confetti
And I am in the twilight of my youth
Not that I’m going to remember
Dancing and slowly and finding the truth
And it’s covered in coma
All of these people in my life, well they seem so in love
Well, I am not
Memorizing my shoes in a cigarette shop
Does anybody want to take me home?
Does anybody want to take me home?
I’m kinda lonely, will you take me home?
Of course you will
Of course you won’t
Of course I’m crass
It seems so tragic
Of course you will
Of course you won’t
But I’ll disappear
I’ll disappear
Just like magic


Xander also listens to “Please Do Not Let Me Go” after he and Spike fight. From the first lines of the song, I saw it as a Spander song. I had originally envisioned Spike alone in the bed, sort of imprisoned by the light coming in through the window, but changed the subject of the song to Xander since I was writing from Xander’s POV. I also liked that the song seems to refer to Xander’s prior singing engagement at Caritas and to the fact that he’s traveled a long way to see Spike.

Please Do Not Let Me Go

If the walls in the room could talk
I wonder to myself, would they laugh?
It’s like some kind of jail
Beams of light
Fall through the curtains onto the bed
I’m all alone now; I can do as I please
I don’t feel like doing much of anything
True love ain’t that hard to find
Not that you will ever know
Would you leave for awhile?
Please do not let me go
Please do not let me go

You were sweet enough to sing
Oblivious to melody
Red suitcase full of clothes
Washed up on a shore of memories
I’m all alone now, and I feel just fine
I don’t feel much like doing anything
True love ain’t that hard to find
Not that either one of us will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please do not let me go
Please do not let me go

Finally, I use three songs from the album to represent Spike’s poetry. “World War 24” screamed Dru to me the first time I heard it. From the dolls, to the antiques, to the apparent indifference of the beloved for the singer, to the barely concealed violence of the relationship—Spike/Dru to a T.

World War 24

Porcelain Doll
Your mother owns an antique shop
She takes some stuff
I take a lot

We sleep all day

Slow response
I’m feeling like an after thought
I guess I’m kinda lost in space
And London’s okay

She don’t even ask what time it is anymore
Dressed up like it’s World War 24

Sugar sweet
She loves it when it hits her teeth
The river hides the carousel
In London, oh well

Coma comes
Like bullets from a candy gun
Delivers us into the sun
In London my love

She don’t even ask what time it is anymore
Dressed up like it’s World War 24

And if we get too high
We’ll burn this town

Oh baby bring me down

I’m all yours
I’m all yours.


In the poetry bar, Xander listens to Spike recite, “Avalanche,” a poem he’s written about his relationship with Buffy. I don’t think I need to do a lot of explaining about why I chose this song to encapsulate their relationship.

Avalanche

I found your photograph
In a cardboard box in a magazine
I can’t remember you, remember us or anything
I taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb
They taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb
She comes apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
Crawls back into bed when it’s over
And it’s over

I watch the window and listen for the sound of cars
I can’t remember the last time that it was yours
I taught you how to feel, why do you feel numb
They taught us how to feel, but we just feel numb
She falls apart in the avalanche
Fades out like a dance
And crawls back into bed when it’s over
And it’s over

In the very last chapter of the fic, Xander reads a love poem that Spike has written about him—“I See Monsters.” This song focuses on the intense emotion and pleasure of two lovers while at the same time acknowledging a potentially unhappy ending. Of course, the monsters Spike and Xander fear are literal, not metaphors for a break up. Also, this song has perhaps the prettiest guitar ever. Little tiny Lorraine!orgasms every time I hear the opening bars.

I See Monsters

Baby, I know you cannot hear me now
‘Cause you’re fast asleep, but I need you now
Colors inside your head go spinning round
Like a Ferris wheel
Exploding and falling to the ground
Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming
My baby, he’s dreaming
Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking
I’m staring at the ceiling waiting for the feeling
Oh, when he comes
I know that he’s the one
Makes me want it harder
Makes me wanna be a little stronger
Still I see monsters
Still I see monsters

SL also contains shoutouts to the Vaselines and the Dead Milkmen, just ‘cause <3. :)

Literary Inspiration

I refer to several Victorian novels in SL. I can’t help it. I’m a Victorianist, and it’s a sickness. LOL The first I quote from is Lady Audley’s Secret by Mary Elizabeth Braddon: Once, while they were abroad, Robert Audley ventured to congratulate him upon his recovered spirits. He burst into a bitter laugh. “Do you know, Bob,” he said, “that when some of our fellows were wounded in India, they came home bringing bullets inside them? They did not talk of them, and they were stout and hearty, and looked as well, perhaps, as you or I; but every change in the weather, however slight, every variation of the atmosphere, however trifling, brought back the old agony of their wounds as sharp as ever they had felt it on the battle-field. I’ve had my wound, Bob; I carry the bullet still, and I shall carry it into my coffin (Penguin Classic pg 52). This book is one of my absolute favorites from the Victorian era; it doesn’t really focus on the witty humor that is such a staple of the writing of the period (although I adore that aspect of Victorian writing), but instead focuses on description and characterization. The novel is a real tearjerker and contains some of the most beautiful bits of prose I’ve ever read. The first time I read this quote, I thought, “Yup. Scoobies. Wounds. Hellmouth.”

I also refer to the closing lines of Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities several times in SL: “‘It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.’” Some of you might know this quote better as Spock’s farewell speech to Kirk in Wrath of Khan. I certainly knew it as a ST quote before I knew it as a Dickens quote. I must say that having read the novel makes the quote even more poignant and heart wrenching.

In addition, I have Xander mutter to himself a quote I paraphrased from Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird: Angel bright, life in death, get off this road. Don’t suck my breath. The quote refers to those little dips in a road that seem filled with water on a sunny day but are actually just atmospheric distortions due to the heat. In the novel, Scout calls them “haints.” I couldn’t resist the temptation to add something from the Southern oeuvre to SL.

Finally, in the last chapter of SL, I have Xander notice the movement of the tendons in Spike’s wrist as he writes Xander’s love poem. This idea is cribbed from A. S. Byatt’s novella “Morpho Eugenia.” In this story, the protagonist watches a woman he’s becoming infatuated with draw; he’s fascinated with her wrists, and the way Byatt describes them is just so damn erotic. That image has really stuck with me.

Television/Movie Inspiration

SL is pretty much one big shout out to Star Trek. I firmly believe that ST can explain everything, and I use it in SL to describe Spike’s relationship with Xander, the dangers of Angel’s mindwipe, Andrew’s insecurity, etc.

In SL, my feelings about Star Wars come across pretty clearly, I believe. I adore the first three unfucked around with movies. They are as much a part of my childhood as anything else. I am seriously attached to those movies. I’m angry at Lucas for thinking that CGI-ing a muppet into every scene of those movies made them better and even angrier at him for only making those new versions available to the public. This latest rash of three movies was a huge disappointment. In my opinion, all they are is one big ole masturbatory session for Lucas. I cannot stress how craptastic I think the latest SW movies are.

Things that Make Me Go . . . . Aaaaaack

One thing SL has taught me is that I’m afraid of many things as a writer. One of them is POV. When I first began writing stories, I was shocked at how difficult it was to stay consistent with POV. I became hyperaware of POV and struggled to be certain that I wasn’t revealing information I shouldn’t, etc. Somewhere along the way, I realized that my writing had become a slave to POV. I can’t tell ya how many times Kitty told me that Spike was coming across as an enigma because I couldn’t find a way to show his emotions or reveal his thoughts without breaking with POV. I’ve only ever written third person limited POV. I can’t imagine how to go about writing third person omniscient although it seems that should be the easiest POV to write from. I certainly enjoy reading that POV. I think that might be my next experiment in POV; that, or first person. I likely will never write in the second person. With very few exceptions, I don’t like to read the second person.

My POV terror led me to another realization. I am scared shitless of writing from Spike’s POV. I don’t know why. I’ve never written from his POV. The bit of Spangel I wrote for nashmaveric’s Cole Porter ficathon (You do Something to Me) was from Angel’s POV (a character who I’d never written even a single line about at that point) because writing Spike terrified me so. I still feel that way. I love his character. I love reading his character. But every time I write Spike, even from other characters’ perspectives, it always feels as if I’m writing a caricature. I also feel like I make him too soft, too emotional. I’m very aware that writing violence is another of my shortcomings, and I think everything I’ve written has elided Spike’s vampiric nature in favor of showcasing his more human qualities. The best Spike writing (I’m thinking tabaqui here) manages to do both things—give the reader a violent, amoral, dangerous being that can also love and laugh and care. Sadly, Lorraine cannot yet do either of those things super well, much less both of them at the same time. My Spike loses a lot of the nuance I feel his character contains.

I was terrified of actually writing the sex scenes. Writing sex is much more difficult that I thought it would be. It’s very, very difficult to make reading sex a new experience; the temptation is to go for the cliché. In fact, I think we all tend to think of sex period in terms of cliché, so finding new words to use for those actions is really hard. Not only did I not want to write the same ole sex scene as everyone else, I didn’t want to write the bad!fic sex scene every writer despairs of. Every time I put the words cock and ass on a page, they somehow morphed into velvet love chunnel and rock hard stick of sexation. I couldn’t stop being silly with those words. I’m relatively pleased with the sex scenes (only two *snort*) that I managed to write for SL, the last one especially. It’s an area that I definitely need more practice in. Umm…..the writing, not the doing. Although….. LOL

Another fear—silencing the women of the Buffyverse. One thing I began to notice as I read more and more slash fiction is that many of the stories either completely ignored the female characters or else made them into obstacles for the slash pair to overcome. When I thought about it, I realized I didn’t want my own writing to do the same. I think several reasons exist why I have in my body of work largely ignored the female characters of the Buffyverse. Firstly, I have had an incredibly difficult time getting voice down. The only character whose voice I feel even moderately comfortable with is Xander’s. I didn’t write many of the female characters in Roomies because I just didn’t feel like I could capture their voices properly. Secondly, I think in pretty much the majority of shippy fics (het and slash alike) other characters get ignored in favor of the principal pair (There are some brilliant exceptions; I’m thinking entrenous88’s “Shacking Up”). That being said, I don’t want my writing to ignore the female voices. I was very conscious of that while writing SL; I don’t think I was entirely successful in addressing this issue, but I did include several chapters heavy with Cordelia interaction as well as short snippets of Fred, Dawn, and Buffy. This is an area in which I hope to improve in the future.

Finally, the deus ex machina—Anya’s letter from the grave that sets the whole Spander relationship in motion. This is not knocking the deus ex machina; I’ve seen many fics in which I think it works very successfully (nashmaveric and virtualpersonal’s “Protective Custody,” spurglie’s “Joined at the Hip,” etc), and I think it worked okay in this fic. However, in retrospect I really wish I hadn’t used that device as the means to get Spike and Xander together. When I first got on lj, glossing kindly pointed me to an essay (Kat Allison's Essay on Alchemy) that describes a way of shipping characters that I’d really like to be my modus operandi from now on. This method of shipping isn’t based on the deus ex machina or on subtext even, but rather on mining the two characters for areas in which they could really connect with each other. The essay particularly refers to shipping characters who have never met before. The DEM is probably my biggest regret for the fic.


Characters

I really like Andrew’s character. I think that watching his character develop was one of the most interesting parts of the last two seasons of BtVS. When we first meet Andrew, he’s portrayed as geeky, very intelligent, lacking and moral compass, and lacking the ability to effectively distinguish between fantasy and reality. He’s also definitely a pack animal; he is easily persuaded and wants to follow someone else’s lead. Canon suggests to me that Andrew was in love with Warren, or at the very least, infatuated with him. I think Andrew’s feelings for Warren allowed Warren to manipulate him.

By the end of the series, I believe Andrew has changed. He’s taken responsibility for the actions he so easily rationalized in earlier episodes. I think he will always be prone to flights of fancy, that temptation to view the world around him as a movie over which he has narrative control (See Ats “Damage” for canonical evidence of that impulse), but that he will no longer use those fantasies to justify wrong-doing.

I think that Andrew and Xander have a good deal in common and have the potential to become good friends in a post-“Chosen” world.

A Few Words on Shippiness

The Andrew/Ethan relationship alluded to in SL looks crazy at first glance. And maybe it is. Heh. But I see a lot of parallels between the two characters. I see both of them less as evil than simply amoral. They’re both voyeurs—they manipulate events around them seemingly just in order to sit back and watch the show they’ve created. I think that were Ethan to be “redeemed,” his method of redemption would be very similar to Andrew’s—a gradual process that begins with insincerity for self-preservation’s sake followed by a heartfelt and painful 180 degree turn. I also found myself really wondering what the Initiative did to Ethan. That’s an incredibly interesting untold story.

I don’t know exactly how this relationship would play out. I’m not sure it could ever be an equal one. I see some of the same problems in shipping Ethan/Andrew as I do Spike/Andrew. I think Ethan could definitely view Andrew as a pupil; I can see him in the mentor role. I can also envision grateful!Ethan after his rescue from the Initiative. A third option is an Ethan who’s just messing around with Andrew for Chaos’s sake. I can see all these things, but not Capital L LOVE with a Happily Ever After. And, of course, there’s the whole Giles angle to consider. I plan on exploring the Andrew/Ethan relationship mentioned in SL in a sequel so we’ll see what happens there. LOL

I also want to mention the Buffy/Angel ship component of SL. I have to admit, I was never one to really buy the Bangel. I just didn’t get it. Granted, I didn’t start watching BtVS until season 5 when Spike’s infatuation for Buffy was gaining momentum. When I went back and watched the first seasons, I saw them through a lens that was completely enamored of Spike. Also, in some crazy oversight, I never saw either “Becoming” or the Ats episode where Angel gets to be human for a day until a few months ago. After seeing those episodes, I shook my head and said, “Oh. Okay. I get it now. Bangel forever!” LOL Unfortunately, I don’t think the ship will work long term. I think there’s sufficient canonical evidence to suggest that Buffy will never resume a relationship with Angel as long as he’s still a vampire and enough evidence to suggest that Angel wouldn’t adjust well enough to being a normal human with no powers to make a relationship with the Chosen One feasible. I think a human Angel would feel like a liability, a hindrance, and very insecure. Shades of Riley, anyone? It makes me wonder just how much of a reward the Shanshu really is. I think a Bangel relationship would ultimately prove destructive. But, fortunately I don’t have to write that part as I ended it at the happy!happy place. Heeeee.


Audience

Finally, a word on audience. I had so much fun reacting to audience perception of this piece. Both through the input of my beta, Kitty, and responses from readers, I feel as if I have grown tremendously as a writer. This was a great experience, and I’m looking forward to getting started on my next big piece. *smooches lj*

Comments

[rayne-y-daze.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm being a brat and holding out on the reading of the last part. Partly because - well, it's the last part! *sob* But also, because I have 4 stories due in the next few days, and I'm doing the open_on_sunday thing. I do, however, want to comment on this - your view of Ethan/Andrew in regards to their motivation and other similarites is nothing short of stunning. I can't wait to read that Ethan piece you're working on!

[stretfordditto.livejournal.com]

That was excellent; the wank not the fic...I've not read that yet. :)

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Thankee muchly.

I just wanted to get down some of my thoughts about the fic before I forgot them.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Rayne. I'm glad this was even remotely interesting to anyone other than me. LOL

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Hey, that was a GREAT idea! Really intesting. It felt like I was watching a "making of..." documentary. Erm, or reading it, perhaps. ~g~

Thanks for that. More people should do it after a fic finishes, I think. It's fun to see how other writer's mind's work. Yours is just a hive of thoughts. Mine is just 'Spike make a funny.' 'Xander make a funny.' and very occasionally 'Kill all the scoobies!'

~hugs~

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm glad you liked it, Suki. I wish more people did this too. I find learning about why an author did certain things really interesting. *is weird that way*

Oh, I love the way your mind works, Suki. Very much so.

Your adoring,


Tiddlyflop

[suki-blue.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe I'll just give this a go when I'm done with my next long fic. I really do like the idea.

My mind is a weirdo place. You'll see when I post my next ficlette next week ~g~

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

I really wish you would. :) If nothing else, it's nice for YOU to remember what you were thinking.

[anelith.livejournal.com]

Now that my kids have started school I finally had the time to finish reading Shadowlands! What a treat. I really enjoyed the whole series, and the explanatory piece above. As I believe I mentioned in at least one comment before, I just *loved* your Andrew and his friendship with Xander.

Angel's "death" was a real shock. I was ready to cry along with Buffy and Spike. Whew!

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed the series. I really appreciate the kind words.

I know I was being kinda tricksy with the Angel Shanshuing thing. Heeeeee..... Glad you got all caught up in the moment before the big reveal!

*hugs*