scar tissue that I wish you saw

[lunabee34]

If everything I learned about life I learned from fanfic, this week I learned that what we all really want most in life is for the person who rips off our button down to not merely suppress nausea at the sight of our hideously disfigured bodies but to love the freaking shit out of those burns and knife wounds.

I have seen this trope in every fandom I have ever spent more than two seconds in--whether it's Xander Harris's daddy-broken back that Spike lovingly licks into coagulation or a more milder take on the theme such as a Rodney McKay who despairs of Laura Cadman seeing his unfit naked body as she wears it.

And just this week, I saw it again in warholhp's Incurable, a Harry/Draco non-magical AU HP fic in which Harry spent four years at St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys before transferring to Hogwarts. [Chapters are listed out of order; scroll down and find chapters 1-2 somewhere in the middle; all chapters are linked internally. However, there is one chapter towards the end where you get a "this journal has just been deleted" Frank message. I was all, "Nuh-no-nuh-no. I did not just read almost all of this fic and the writer DELETED HIR JOURNAL WHILE I WAS READING?! *wail* Never fear, my friends. The internal link is FUBAR; go back to mems, and you can click on the chapter just fine.]

In this story, Harry has multiple burns and knife wounds courtesy of Uncle Vernon (including the word freak carved into his chest) and a plethora of whip wounds on his back and buttocks from the corporal punishment meted out at St. Brutus's. Part of his romantic journey with Draco is allowing Draco to see and touch those parts of his physical body that Harry sees as irreparably damaged.

And here's why I love you, fandom, because rather than reading this trope as very obvious and anvilicious (I don't like my body, and I am using Harry and Draco to work through those issues), I see a lot of very interesting things going on here. Yes, there is a not insignificant part of this trope that is about the very real desire of all humans beings to be accepted and loved despite their physical flaws. But I also see that physical disfiguration as symbolic of internal darkness. The characters in these stories don't just hide their scars because they think they're ugly; they hide them because of what they represent--what they see as the consequences of a shameful event or their own propensity for violence perhaps, that dark passenger that rides shotgun with us all. And so when the beloved accepts--nay, even adores--that broken flesh, what s/heis really doing is accepting the inner demons, that darkness within. And that is ever so much more powerful than simply seeing beyond an imperfect body.

I think there's also a fair amount of fetishization of the damaged body in these fics--a nearly Rabelaisian revelry in the grotesque--and I find that fascinating.

So. *chinhands* What do y'all think of this trope? Is it as ubiquitous as it appears to me? Love? Hate?

Talk to me. :)

Sooper seekrit message to crazydiamondsue: YOU WILL LOOOOOOVE THIS.

Comments

I taste the seed upon your lips, lay my tongue upon your scars

[likeadeuce.livejournal.com]

This is definitely the way I've always read the 'scar' trope. I'm sure there's a level on which it is a body image issue for some writers (and, maybe, I think, tied into the fact that chances are the characters we are writing about are depicted in canon as more than commonly attractive, so even if we only think our own bodies are 'okay' or 'average' the characters are probably hotter than we are -- so the only way to give them body image issues is to focus on wounds-as-imperfections. Which, depending on the context CAN teeter into disability-fail, but is usually just 'sexy dude has a long-forgotten-by-canon bullet wound that's usually covered by his shirt). But I've always mostly seen it as a physical standin for psychic damage.

well, I'm not seventeen, but I've got cuts on my knees

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

and, maybe, I think, tied into the fact that chances are the characters we are writing about are depicted in canon as more than commonly attractive, so even if we only think our own bodies are 'okay' or 'average' the characters are probably hotter than we are -- so the only way to give them body image issues is to focus on wounds-as-imperfections.

Yes! I think that's definitely part of it. I mean, it takes a lot of doing to make John Sheppard hideous. And so we have to resort as writers to a pretty extreme injury or disfiguration in order to convince the reader that this body could be viewed as ugly.

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

Interesting! The thought had actually never occurred to me that for some readers/writers it's exclusively an outward manifestation of psychic trauma (though now that I'm thinking about it, it makes perfect sense that it would be!) because for me, the way the kink works, it is definitely a body-image thing. Not really in a "I hate my body" sort of way, at least that's not how I would describe the way it feels, but I do have a (mild) physical disability, and a lot of scars, and putting that off onto characters in fic and then having them get love -- it hits my kinks so hard. It doesn't have to be specifically my disability (for one thing, mine is weird and rare), but stuff I can relate to on a very visceral level -- physical stuff: missing limbs/hands/feet, paraplegia, scars, cancer or other illness/permanent injury. Even when it's heavy-handed and probably quite full of disability!fail, it just gets me right in the id. I'm essentially pretty well-adjusted and content with who I am, but I think there is still this part of me (the little kid inside) that likes to be stroked and reminded that I'm still perfectly lovable despite physical imperfections, especially since that's not something that I get to see much in the canon of my fandoms.

But I'm not arguing with you! Actually I find this really fascinating because it's so clearly not a metaphor for me that the thought had not occurred to me that it is a metaphor for others. And clearly I am not trying to speak for everyone with a physical disability either; I'm sure some relate to it and some find it silly or offensive, and some perhaps relate to it on a whole different level than I do.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Even when it's heavy-handed and probably quite full of disability!fail, it just gets me right in the id.

I know exactly what you mean. There are certain tropes or narrative choices that a writer can make that just grab me and speak to me, and I will put up with a lot of what others might consider bad or problematic writing because I respond so strongly to that trope.

I think a lot of fiction PERIOD comes from that little kid place inside that wants to believe in all kinds of things--that our parents can approve of us or world peace is possibl or if the zombies do come maybe they won't snack on me. LOL I think that reading and writing fic from that perspective is pervasive. I don't think it's the only reason we read or write, and I often think it's combined with other motivations and interpretations, but yeah.

After I made this post, I started thinking about it a little more, and I realized that the only fandom I've written/read in where I see this trope happening in a different way is Die Hard. Much ado is often made about McClane's battle scarred body (*I* have made much ado about it LOL), but those scars are never anything he has to get over. Every now and again you will read a McClane that is tore up inside, but it's never over whether his lover is going to be grossed out by the bullet wound on his shoulder. It's never a question that even crosses John's mind. And if his partner notices the scars it's always in the context of, "You got this scar saving the world or saving me." There's a fair amount of the "all covered with sexy wounds and bruises" to the way this presents in DH as well.

Hacks or Better to Open

[executrix.livejournal.com]

Hey, in Firefly *everybody* has gotten so banged up that at the very least they have to be blase about scars.

Re: Hacks or Better to Open

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

*nods*

And now that I think about it, I can't remember a Firefly fic that has this particular trope. I can remember plenty about Mal or Jayne (or even Mal and Jayne!) that has them being blase about their scars ala John McClane though.

[kyuuketsukirui.livejournal.com]

The premise of that HP one sounds so interesting, but then you go on to describe it and it sounds too over the top for me, idk.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Heee. I don't know if it would be too over the top for you or not.

I mean, it's definitely over the top in places. First, there's the abuse, and while Harry is canonically abused by the Dursleys, it certainly is not to the degree that occurs in this fic (the abuse is not sexual in nature and it all happens offscreen; Harry remembers or tells others about it).

I do find so many things fascinating in this story, though. I like how socially maladjusted Harry is and how difficult it is for him to integrate into Hogwarts. He craves the order of St. Brutus's where, while harsh, everything that happens to him is very predictable and ordered and follows a set of rules. I also like watching Draco and Snape and Hermione interact with him (Ron is inexplicably absent from this one); Harry becomes the mirror by which Draco and Snape in particular discover some truths about themselves. And because Harry is so distrustful and so very much an outsider in this fic (not a hero at all), there's a lot of interesting critique of Hogwarts and the professors and etc. that very naturally springs up.

So, idk? LOL I liked it, but it's been proven that when reading HP, nothing is too over the top or melodramatic for me to read. :)

God Gives You One Face, You Paint Yourself Another

[executrix.livejournal.com]

Definitely, if somebody was wounded or scarred saving my life, I would be 100% positive in my approach to those wounds and scars! And I do think everybody wants to be able to be loved "just as I am, without one plea."

Also, who gets to decide what's beautiful anyway? Lots of people, either to conform to cultural expectations or to flout them, deliberately decorate themselves with temporary (eyeliner and lipstick) or permanent (piercings, earlobe and lip stretching, tattoos, cosmetic surgery, deliberate scarification, brands) changes in physical appearance.

Re: God Gives You One Face, You Paint Yourself Another

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Protestant church song, stuck in my head. LOL

I completely agree with you that standards of beauty are so fluid that it's almost an exercise in futility to even discuss What Is the Beautiful anymore. Which is probably why we stopped discussing it shortly after the incarceration of Oscar Wilde.

[mosca.livejournal.com]

I think it's really ubiquitous and also emerges in some interesting ways in my fandoms. In Trek fandom, I've noticed a fascination with alien features that are weird or ugly - in Garak/Bashir in particular, Bashir fetishizing the lizardlike features of Cardassian physiology and Garak responding (in the best fic) with the aspects of Human anatomy that are alien and grotesque to a Cardassian. That's in addition to the more conventional scar-fetishizing that also shows up in the fandom. In ER fandom, where most of the femslash was centered around a canonically disabled character, so much centered around desiring/comforting/fixing her hip. That came from canon, too, where Weaver's crutch and disabled gait were very visible and figured into the source text in all kinds of ways.

I have a thing for scars (and tattoos, and unusual physical features in general) but I'm really hesitant to ascribe most of it to my body image issues. When I'm dealing with body image specifically, I don't tend to work through metaphor: I have ice skaters to canonically worry about their weight and eating and just do it directly. For me, when I write about more exotic or damaged physical features, it's about exoticizing the body and/or how our personal histories get recorded on our physical bodies.

I... think. Analyzing my own work is a deadly trap.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

In Trek fandom, I've noticed a fascination with alien features that are weird or ugly - in Garak/Bashir in particular, Bashir fetishizing the lizardlike features of Cardassian physiology and Garak responding (in the best fic) with the aspects of Human anatomy that are alien and grotesque to a Cardassian.

*nods nods*

And like you say, the best of those stories aren't (just) about exoticizing the Other, but removing "human" as the default setting for sentient beings. One of my favorite Trek moments is when Iman's character tells Kirk that not everybody keeps his genitals in the same place.

I also really like fic that deals with how our personal histories are inscribed on our bodies. Firefly seems to have a lot of stories like that as does SPN.

I know what you mean about analyzing your own work (although I think you've done a good job of that here). I tend to think I am more awesome than I am LOL when doing so.

[ariadne83]

Fetishisation of scars/injuries is SO VERY NOT my thing. I'm self-conscious enough about my body as it is; if someone was like "Oooooh looky!" about my scars I would boot them out the door so fast, so I don't really like reading about that.

I have one on the side of my wrist that's extremely personal to me; I got it from punching out a window after enduring a tirade of drunken verbal abuse from my father (well, I though it was directed at me but actually it turned out to be directed at my sister. Because that's *so* much better). It's a marker on my skin of everthing I was feeling at the time, all the pain and betrayal and FURY. And it's a reminder that there are some people I love dearly but whom I can't afford to trust. And it's a sign of the great losses I've had, growing up with a mentally-absent alcoholic father. Sometimes I feel like I'm in mourning for him, like he's already dead. And then other times he's sober and he's a lovely guy and that makes it *worse* because I wish he could be that guy all the time. No-one can kiss that better for me, and if they tried I'd think they were a condescending douchbag. And if I *do* want comfort for all those complicated feelings, I want it in a more generalised way - a hug, or something that doesn't go near the physical location of the scar. Because it's *all* of me that's wounded, not just that one spot.

The one time I wrote about scars (in an ATWT fic) it was from the POV of the injured person, taking off their clothes for the first time in front of the new partner and dreading it, dreading the questions and the staring. So they said: just to warn you, I have major scars but I don't really want to talk about it right now. And their partner respected that and noticed the scars but didn't comment, just treated them like a whole person rather than a walking injury.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us. I need that reminder sometimes that what to one person is an interesting and even enjoyable fic idea is a damaging and failtastic one to another. *hugs*

I haven't written this trope myself I don't think. The closest I've come to it is Matt Farrell catalouging John McClane's injuries or noticing them, but nobody's angsting or bothered by them.

[ariadne83]

I have other scars that aren't so personal - on my knee, thigh, toe, finger, elbow and chin. They're all from random accidents (respectively, I was at the beach and underwater rocks are sharp; I dropped something on my toe doing laundry; I cut myself at work; I had a random skin infection; when I was a kid I fell over in the school playground and split my chin)
and they don't arouse the same protective/vulnerable instinct that the one on my wrist does.

It's the difference between scars that are part of life (McClane would probably see a lot of his bullet wounds this way LOL) and scars that are attached to other nastiness, to strong, negative emotions.

The other thing to remember is that touching healthy skin is different from touching scar tissue - scar tissue is significantly more sensitive, so if you have a character lovingly tracing his lover's old wounds it's worth thinking about whether the lover is the type of person who would *like* the extra sensory input. In my experience it's kind of ticklish, which is not necessarily a good thing in a sex scene.

Basically, for me personally it's hands-off the scars.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

I don't really have many scars--one on my hand where I broke a glass and two on my legs that were fairly large and noticeable when I was a child but have faded to almost obscurity. I'd have to point them out to someone probably.

What I do have that bothers me, though, are my numerous, numerous stretch marks. I don't think about them much because Josh and I had already been together for years at the point I acquired them, but I suspect that were I to go on the market for a partner, I would be very embarrassed by them and hesistant for people to look at me. It's weird. I have no shame in front of Josh. None at all. I can loll about naked before him all day and I don't feel weird or self-conscious. I don't feel gorgeous LOL but I don't feel awkward or vulnerable. I think I would die if anyone else saw me naked. I can do trying on tops at a girlfriend's house in her closet, but that's about the extent of it.

Re sensitivity: I don't really have any scars to speak of, so I don't have any personal experience with that. But Josh's enormous scar of doom (from the lawnmower accident) has virtually no feeling at all. He had some nerve damage in the accident, so I think it could go either way on that depending on the severity of the injury.

[ariadne83]

Or the less tl;dr version: I don't like scars being used as a shortcut to intimacy. Now, if the couple is already in a close relationship, where they've been building trust for a while, that's fine. But when the scars are the result of abuse... Oh, the can of worms it can open up, talking about them, and a couple needs to be *rock solid* already for me to buy that they'd have that discussion successfully.

[lunabee34.livejournal.com]

*nods*

You and I have talked about this before. There is so much that is unrealistically handwaved in fic--and sometimes I can get behind that and just id out in the story, and sometimes it throws me right out.