So, I'm home
Oct. 17th, 2011 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunabee34It's been a disconcerting week.
I've been expecting my grandmother to die for years, and yet, when she did I was totally caught by surprise.
I totally screwed up. I should have turned around and driven back home to get Josh and Emma even though I was over two hours into the drive to Wincon. I'm ashamed to admit that I was scared I'd get lost because I don't really know how to program the GPS and I'd been following its directions, not paying attention to the route, which are two different things. So I continued on and Josh rented a car to drive to Mississippi.
MeeMaw had been saying for years that she was ready to die. She was miserable and uncommunicative and a hostage to her own body there at the end, and we are all relieved that she is no longer suffering. But my mother is now an orphan. A 60 year old orphan. Nobody uses that word for adults who are parentless, but it's a true word no matter how old you are.
My uncle and his family are truly awful people--selfish and ignorant and I can't tell you how many times I forbore from slapping someone in the face. My aunt had the nerve to say to me that MeeMaw had never been anything to her kids other than the woman who had disrupted their lives. I wanted to say, "You mean because you raised the most selfish, shitty kids on the planet, and I know from selfish, lady," but I did not. Josh and I did, however, have a hard time biting our tongues when they insisted that the Ori from SG-1 are a representation of the evils of the Catholic church (once when forced to attend their Baptist church in Atlanta, we were subjected to a video production about how Catholics are not Christians and are in need of evangelical mission work).
I was weirded out by all the "God was using MeeMaw's illness to teach a lesson" and "God let MeeMaw suffer to bring a point home to her friends and family." I cannot believe in a god who causes or allows suffering in order to teach a lesson to anyone. Sick, sick, sick. Also, how freaking arrogant is that? You are so important that god needs to kill somebody or disease them in order to teach you patience or kindness or whatever? Ewwww.
The whole circumstances activated my crippling fear of death, which is crippling and also crippling. Whatever else there is to say about my folks, they are not afraid of death at all and sometimes I feel like maybe that's a good enough trade off. *sigh*
I was also humbled and grateful by how many people really love my Mom and Dad and MeeMaw too and all the nice things that they did for the family. I was shocked and apalled by how much funerals cost and how much there is to do and what an *industry* death is.
I'm writing an essay about MeeMaw and her death and religion and my crazy family. That'll see the light of day at some point. The short version is that MeeMaw's mom died when she was 8. Her dad remarried, and her step-mother didn't want her. MeeMaw ran away at 13 to live in the city with her sister. She started working in the factory and met my grandfather. They married when she was 16. My MeeMaw traveled all over the world without her husband who didn't like to travel. She was a strong, courageous lady who took risks and did what she wanted. She was a hard woman to be around at times--critical and stubborn, unyielding and cruel--but she was also an inspiration to me, and I know she loved me very much.
It's good to be home, y'all. If I missed anything in the last 6 days I need to know, let me know.
I've been expecting my grandmother to die for years, and yet, when she did I was totally caught by surprise.
I totally screwed up. I should have turned around and driven back home to get Josh and Emma even though I was over two hours into the drive to Wincon. I'm ashamed to admit that I was scared I'd get lost because I don't really know how to program the GPS and I'd been following its directions, not paying attention to the route, which are two different things. So I continued on and Josh rented a car to drive to Mississippi.
MeeMaw had been saying for years that she was ready to die. She was miserable and uncommunicative and a hostage to her own body there at the end, and we are all relieved that she is no longer suffering. But my mother is now an orphan. A 60 year old orphan. Nobody uses that word for adults who are parentless, but it's a true word no matter how old you are.
My uncle and his family are truly awful people--selfish and ignorant and I can't tell you how many times I forbore from slapping someone in the face. My aunt had the nerve to say to me that MeeMaw had never been anything to her kids other than the woman who had disrupted their lives. I wanted to say, "You mean because you raised the most selfish, shitty kids on the planet, and I know from selfish, lady," but I did not. Josh and I did, however, have a hard time biting our tongues when they insisted that the Ori from SG-1 are a representation of the evils of the Catholic church (once when forced to attend their Baptist church in Atlanta, we were subjected to a video production about how Catholics are not Christians and are in need of evangelical mission work).
I was weirded out by all the "God was using MeeMaw's illness to teach a lesson" and "God let MeeMaw suffer to bring a point home to her friends and family." I cannot believe in a god who causes or allows suffering in order to teach a lesson to anyone. Sick, sick, sick. Also, how freaking arrogant is that? You are so important that god needs to kill somebody or disease them in order to teach you patience or kindness or whatever? Ewwww.
The whole circumstances activated my crippling fear of death, which is crippling and also crippling. Whatever else there is to say about my folks, they are not afraid of death at all and sometimes I feel like maybe that's a good enough trade off. *sigh*
I was also humbled and grateful by how many people really love my Mom and Dad and MeeMaw too and all the nice things that they did for the family. I was shocked and apalled by how much funerals cost and how much there is to do and what an *industry* death is.
I'm writing an essay about MeeMaw and her death and religion and my crazy family. That'll see the light of day at some point. The short version is that MeeMaw's mom died when she was 8. Her dad remarried, and her step-mother didn't want her. MeeMaw ran away at 13 to live in the city with her sister. She started working in the factory and met my grandfather. They married when she was 16. My MeeMaw traveled all over the world without her husband who didn't like to travel. She was a strong, courageous lady who took risks and did what she wanted. She was a hard woman to be around at times--critical and stubborn, unyielding and cruel--but she was also an inspiration to me, and I know she loved me very much.
It's good to be home, y'all. If I missed anything in the last 6 days I need to know, let me know.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 08:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 08:55 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 11:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 01:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 01:55 pm (UTC)One kind of Purgatory is in our memory--we can burn away the human faults and flaws of the person we've lost, and remember zir strengths and achievements (not all of which are things that make the newspapers or the record books) and the shared love.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 08:57 pm (UTC)*hugs*
You're a good friend, Exec.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 08:55 pm (UTC)Thank you, sweetie.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-18 08:57 pm (UTC)Thank you so much. It really helps knowing y'all care about me.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-19 01:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-20 09:08 pm (UTC)*hugs*