Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013
Jan. 1st, 2013 04:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunabee34(I apologize in advance for the spamming; I've got at least two more posts I want to make before this day is done, so y'all bear with me.)
2012 was an extremely difficult year for me. Without being hyperbolic, I think I can say that it was the worst year of my life (with the year Emma was born coming in a close second). I watched my husband almost die. I never thought I'd be preparing at 32 to be a widow. I never thought I might have to raise our child alone. Colleagues died. An old friend died two weeks after her first child was born. The parents of dear friends died. One of my closest friends is currently caring for a parent on hospice with the sort of grace and strength that I can only hope to emulate if I am ever called upon to serve my family in such a way. Friends and colleagues grieved through miscarriages. I watched helplessly as people I care for deeply were mistreated and maligned. I had my faith in many friendships damaged and in some cases destroyed completely. My work situation was extremely stressful as our institution is merging with another, and even now, days before the consolidated institution debuts, so much is still up in the air and unanswered about our new work situation.
2012 taught me a great many difficult lessons, among them:
1. Life isn't fair. I have intellectually known this since I was six years old and being made fun of for my Coke-bottle spectacles. I have seen in my 33 years many, many examples of the Unfairness of Life. And somehow, every time I experience a true injustice (as opposed to an annoyance or a minor inconvenience), it rattles me all over again like I'm just being introduced to the concept. I think many of us grow up believing that at some point, some stage, some indefinable moment--Things Change. Of course, people are shitty--we're in high school. Of course, life sucks--I'm working for minimum wage for a guy who only promotes his friends and makes me do all the work they should be doing while they're playing WoW in his office. One day, things will be Different. People will be Better. And then, little by little, the realization that the pettiness and cliqueyness of high school never really go away seems pretty undeniable. They just get worse because instead of hormonal fifteen year olds who arguably will grow into more satisfactory example of humanity, this behavior is enacted by grown-ups who theoretically should know better. I think many of us also grow up believing strongly in the meritocracy of the public school system. We're taught for 12 years that if we put our nose to the grindstone and we try hard enough, most things are within our grasp. We're also taught that hard work is always rewarded. Study hard and you get a good test grade. Fundraise your ass off and your cheerleading troop can go to camp. Push your body to the limits and you'll win the game. It's more than a little bit disconcerting to find that real life doesn't exactly replicate those results. Hard work isn't always rewarded. Bad behavior isn't always punished, even when the behavior is common knowledge.
2. All people are not dependable. They are not honest. They do not have my best interests at heart. They do not conceive of friendship in the same manner that I do and so do not react in ways that make sense to me in situations that frequently test friendships. See, for me, a friendship (a real friendship) takes a lot of work. It requires mutual effort; one person cannot always be the one giving and the other taking for a friendship to work for me, for example. It requires time regularly spent in each other's company (whether that's in meatspace, online, on the phone, or through letters). It requires a certain degree of loyalty but not one that trumps honest conversations about hurt feelings, behavior that bothers me, or behavior that hurts others. I have never truly been friends with someone who didn't piss me off at least once; after all, I don't think you're really close to someone if you're not close enough to them to have been irritated or angered even once, you know? But the mark of true friendship is the ability to have those conversations and emerge with relationships that are stronger for them. Hey, it ticked me off when you ____ or I know I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. I have slowly come to the conclusion that many people in my life have a much more casual idea of what friendship entails. This year has taught me not to give away my affections and my time lightly.
3. Oh god, oh god, we're all gonna die. Yeah, I know. Nothing on this list should be a revelation to anyone with a double digit age LOL, and yet. And yet.
4. You sorta have to exercise forever. You can't just stop at some point and ride the plateau. *sigh*
So, what do I do with this list--this very, very bleak list? Do I wallow? Do I retreat into paranoia? Do I become bitter? Do I give up?
Spoiler alert: no. LOL
I actually have come through this year with a great deal of hope for the future and for my ability to navigate living in a world that doesn't always meet my expectations and sometimes falls spectacularly short of them.
Coming to terms with the inevitably short shelf life of the human is actually pretty freeing in a lot of ways. Life is too short just put up with bullshit. Life is too short not to do what I want, to say what I think, to be who I am without apology. Life is too short to settle. Life is too short to bite my tongue and keep my head down. I don't have a bacchanalia planned LOL but I do have a mindfulness and a here-ness that I didn't have before and a plan to wring out all the joy I can from life while not giving the bullshit the time of day.
I am also resolved to cling that much more tightly to the true friends in my life. I have so, so many dear people who care for me that in many ways, it seems inconceivable that the actions of a mere few should have wounded me so deeply. I have a life richly blessed with friendship: from that handful of undergraduate and graduate school friends who've stood the test of time to friends I've met through work and the surrounding community, to those of you in fandom who are so dear to me--I am surrounded by people who love me. I will be cautious. I will not lightly give of myself for little in return. But I will not withdraw or be unwilling to risk friendship in the future because I've been hurt in the past. And I will make a conscious effort to strengthen and enrich my existing friendships in this new year.
I also take a lot of comfort in the fact that I can see those around me who are putting negativity in the world reaping what they have sown. I know that sounds all Old Testamenty, but a girl never gets far beyond her psychologically damaging fundamentalist upbringing, yes? LOL Even if in a lot of the ways that count, justice isn't served in many situations, I do believe that in some cosmic way the universe sets the balance straight. It's not particularly nice of me to find that satisfying, I guess, but *shrugs*. We're all gonna die, remember? LOL Gotta get my kicks where I can find them.
Finally, I take a lot of joy in my family, and I'm looking forward to seeing it expand this summer. Making a new life is the closest any of us ever come to god, and I'm grateful that I'm getting to enjoy this experience of being pregnant in a way I didn't with Emma. I'm glad Trashboat will have a cousin that's just a year older than her [yes, her; I have a feeling LOL), and I'm looking forward to my brother and his wife making more beautiful younguns. My best friend is due WITH TWINS! the same month I am, and I am more than stoked about group playdates. :) I am married to a man who gets me and loves me in a way that feels like a precious gift every day of my life (mostly LOL), and I have a daughter who is brilliant and kind and insightful and helpful and genuinely a delight to be around.
So come on, 2013. I'm ready for you. I've got a smile on my face, a glass of fizzy water in my hand, and I just finished the B's in the Yuletide archive. I'm ready to see what happens next.
2012 was an extremely difficult year for me. Without being hyperbolic, I think I can say that it was the worst year of my life (with the year Emma was born coming in a close second). I watched my husband almost die. I never thought I'd be preparing at 32 to be a widow. I never thought I might have to raise our child alone. Colleagues died. An old friend died two weeks after her first child was born. The parents of dear friends died. One of my closest friends is currently caring for a parent on hospice with the sort of grace and strength that I can only hope to emulate if I am ever called upon to serve my family in such a way. Friends and colleagues grieved through miscarriages. I watched helplessly as people I care for deeply were mistreated and maligned. I had my faith in many friendships damaged and in some cases destroyed completely. My work situation was extremely stressful as our institution is merging with another, and even now, days before the consolidated institution debuts, so much is still up in the air and unanswered about our new work situation.
2012 taught me a great many difficult lessons, among them:
1. Life isn't fair. I have intellectually known this since I was six years old and being made fun of for my Coke-bottle spectacles. I have seen in my 33 years many, many examples of the Unfairness of Life. And somehow, every time I experience a true injustice (as opposed to an annoyance or a minor inconvenience), it rattles me all over again like I'm just being introduced to the concept. I think many of us grow up believing that at some point, some stage, some indefinable moment--Things Change. Of course, people are shitty--we're in high school. Of course, life sucks--I'm working for minimum wage for a guy who only promotes his friends and makes me do all the work they should be doing while they're playing WoW in his office. One day, things will be Different. People will be Better. And then, little by little, the realization that the pettiness and cliqueyness of high school never really go away seems pretty undeniable. They just get worse because instead of hormonal fifteen year olds who arguably will grow into more satisfactory example of humanity, this behavior is enacted by grown-ups who theoretically should know better. I think many of us also grow up believing strongly in the meritocracy of the public school system. We're taught for 12 years that if we put our nose to the grindstone and we try hard enough, most things are within our grasp. We're also taught that hard work is always rewarded. Study hard and you get a good test grade. Fundraise your ass off and your cheerleading troop can go to camp. Push your body to the limits and you'll win the game. It's more than a little bit disconcerting to find that real life doesn't exactly replicate those results. Hard work isn't always rewarded. Bad behavior isn't always punished, even when the behavior is common knowledge.
2. All people are not dependable. They are not honest. They do not have my best interests at heart. They do not conceive of friendship in the same manner that I do and so do not react in ways that make sense to me in situations that frequently test friendships. See, for me, a friendship (a real friendship) takes a lot of work. It requires mutual effort; one person cannot always be the one giving and the other taking for a friendship to work for me, for example. It requires time regularly spent in each other's company (whether that's in meatspace, online, on the phone, or through letters). It requires a certain degree of loyalty but not one that trumps honest conversations about hurt feelings, behavior that bothers me, or behavior that hurts others. I have never truly been friends with someone who didn't piss me off at least once; after all, I don't think you're really close to someone if you're not close enough to them to have been irritated or angered even once, you know? But the mark of true friendship is the ability to have those conversations and emerge with relationships that are stronger for them. Hey, it ticked me off when you ____ or I know I hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. I have slowly come to the conclusion that many people in my life have a much more casual idea of what friendship entails. This year has taught me not to give away my affections and my time lightly.
3. Oh god, oh god, we're all gonna die. Yeah, I know. Nothing on this list should be a revelation to anyone with a double digit age LOL, and yet. And yet.
4. You sorta have to exercise forever. You can't just stop at some point and ride the plateau. *sigh*
So, what do I do with this list--this very, very bleak list? Do I wallow? Do I retreat into paranoia? Do I become bitter? Do I give up?
Spoiler alert: no. LOL
I actually have come through this year with a great deal of hope for the future and for my ability to navigate living in a world that doesn't always meet my expectations and sometimes falls spectacularly short of them.
Coming to terms with the inevitably short shelf life of the human is actually pretty freeing in a lot of ways. Life is too short just put up with bullshit. Life is too short not to do what I want, to say what I think, to be who I am without apology. Life is too short to settle. Life is too short to bite my tongue and keep my head down. I don't have a bacchanalia planned LOL but I do have a mindfulness and a here-ness that I didn't have before and a plan to wring out all the joy I can from life while not giving the bullshit the time of day.
I am also resolved to cling that much more tightly to the true friends in my life. I have so, so many dear people who care for me that in many ways, it seems inconceivable that the actions of a mere few should have wounded me so deeply. I have a life richly blessed with friendship: from that handful of undergraduate and graduate school friends who've stood the test of time to friends I've met through work and the surrounding community, to those of you in fandom who are so dear to me--I am surrounded by people who love me. I will be cautious. I will not lightly give of myself for little in return. But I will not withdraw or be unwilling to risk friendship in the future because I've been hurt in the past. And I will make a conscious effort to strengthen and enrich my existing friendships in this new year.
I also take a lot of comfort in the fact that I can see those around me who are putting negativity in the world reaping what they have sown. I know that sounds all Old Testamenty, but a girl never gets far beyond her psychologically damaging fundamentalist upbringing, yes? LOL Even if in a lot of the ways that count, justice isn't served in many situations, I do believe that in some cosmic way the universe sets the balance straight. It's not particularly nice of me to find that satisfying, I guess, but *shrugs*. We're all gonna die, remember? LOL Gotta get my kicks where I can find them.
Finally, I take a lot of joy in my family, and I'm looking forward to seeing it expand this summer. Making a new life is the closest any of us ever come to god, and I'm grateful that I'm getting to enjoy this experience of being pregnant in a way I didn't with Emma. I'm glad Trashboat will have a cousin that's just a year older than her [yes, her; I have a feeling LOL), and I'm looking forward to my brother and his wife making more beautiful younguns. My best friend is due WITH TWINS! the same month I am, and I am more than stoked about group playdates. :) I am married to a man who gets me and loves me in a way that feels like a precious gift every day of my life (mostly LOL), and I have a daughter who is brilliant and kind and insightful and helpful and genuinely a delight to be around.
So come on, 2013. I'm ready for you. I've got a smile on my face, a glass of fizzy water in my hand, and I just finished the B's in the Yuletide archive. I'm ready to see what happens next.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-01 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-02 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-02 12:05 am (UTC)I do have a mindfulness and a here-ness that I didn't have before and a plan to wring out all the joy I can from life while not giving the bullshit the time of day.
Yes, exactly.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-02 12:42 am (UTC)I've been married for almost twelve years and a mom for almost ten and somehow, this is the year when I really feel like I grew up the most. It was a painful year, a hard year, but I feel like it burned away a lot of the shit and maybe what's left will be able to give this next year a decent go.
I'm glad you found your mindfulness and here-ness already. :) It's a good thing.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-02 12:45 am (UTC)I should clarify that I had my "life isn't fair and people suck" discoveries in a profound way in the past; I am still working on the mindfulness and here-ness but I'm pretty sure once you start working at those, you never actually stop.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-02 12:48 am (UTC)Fair enough. Plus I don't think it's a project that ever gets finished.