Changing the way I eat
Jan. 30th, 2016 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunabee34I'm really enjoying the conversation we're having about clothes and personal aesthetics. (Just in case you missed it, Lyr and I are having a fascinating exchange about wearing clothes to conceal personality vs wearing clothes to reveal it; she sees clothes as costuming, and I have always wanted my clothes to reveal my inner self.)
I've been doing a lot of thinking this month about my health, my wardrobe, and the way I look.
Outside of having an autoimmune disorder, I am healthy and active. I'm exercising enough to keep my heart healthy among other benefits.
I have a small wardrobe of clothes that fit and which I like in terms of color, style, and fit (although it needs to be expanded).
I think it's time for me to admit that I am not going to find a way to be sanguine with how much I weigh and what I look like as a consequence. I get that I'm not supposed to care and that I'm supposed to be happy to be healthy and learn to love (or at least be neutral) about my looks; I also fully acknowledge that I am influenced by the media and the unrealistic standards of beauty set by our entertainment sources. When I look around me, I see many women who probably weigh around what I do, and I think they look fine or better than fine and are dressed well. When I look in the mirror, I do not feel the same way about myself.
I wish that someone had told me in my late teens/early twenties that someday my metabolism would slow due to age and having children and I would no longer be able to control my weight with exercise. I wish my mom would have made clear to me exactly how hypothyroidism affects her and let me know that I needed to go ahead and develop good habits before they became necessary. I know this is up there on the list of obvious shit someone's saying they didn't know, right under oh god oh god we're all gonna die someday and the KY jelly is not intended for consumption, but it's true. I didn't know, not beyond the abstract.
And now, I feel like I've lost control of my body. In my twenties, I could control my weight by how much I exercised. Ten years ago, I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the gym every day and dropped 50 pounds in about six months. When you add in an autoimmune disorder that makes me lose my hair, makes my skin turn into scaly dragon hide that not even Khaleesi would find cute, and gives me insomnia; when you add in plantar fasciitis that makes me hobble around like an old woman and degenerative arthritis in both my knees; when you add in depression and anxiety--so much about myself is out of my control, and my physical body used to be something I could control.
I can't do that anymore. I go to the gym every day, and at most I'm just maintaining my current shape. I have a family and a full time job. I can't really justify spending more than an hour to an hour and a half at the gym every day. If I could be a gym rat and spend three or four hours at the gym per day, possibly I could control my weight with exercise alone, but that's just not feasible.
I have resisted changing the way I eat for a variety of reasons. I am deeply suspicious of diets that forbid categories of foods (outside of allergy reasons, like gluten for celiac)--you can never eat rice or potatoes or pasta or bread again, for example. I am also deeply afraid of losing weight only to gain it all back when my "lifestyle change" proves unsustainable. I'd rather not lose any at all than yo-yo. I have poor impulse control and little will power, and I'm not sure whether attempting to change the way I eat and failing to do so will be more or less mentally distressing than just not trying at all and being depressed about the way I look and feel.
I think I am ready to explore changing the way I eat, but I don't even know where to start or what to believe about the variety of diets and meal plans I find online. Sweets are not my downfall; we mostly don't buy them, but even when they're here, I don't indulge. We've had chocolate and candy and cookies and ice cream in the house for the past few weeks, and I've had one piece of chocolate in that time. I don't fry foods. I mostly drink water. We don't keep sweet tea in the house.
I do, however, love to snack from 9:00 until bedtime, and I do eat larger portions than I should.
Some things we have been trying since the fall: less red meat, more grains like quinoa and black rice, more fruits and veggies (salads with most meals), eating more protein to feel fuller, drinking green tea in the afternoon (so bleck bleck bleck, but I have been doing it), and drinking peppermint and other herbal tea in the evening instead of snacking.
Anyone have any suggestions on either the dieting or the exercising front? I don't have any illusions that I'm going to lose 50 pounds ever again, but I would like to feel like I am in control of my body again.
As an aside, it's also time to admit that my little exercise in the morning before work plan is an absolute bust. I'm still going to the gym every day, but not first thing in the morning. And that's okay. It was an experiment, and now I know that working first thing and exercising in the afternoon works best for me.
Commiseration and/or any other thoughts you have also welcome.
I've been doing a lot of thinking this month about my health, my wardrobe, and the way I look.
Outside of having an autoimmune disorder, I am healthy and active. I'm exercising enough to keep my heart healthy among other benefits.
I have a small wardrobe of clothes that fit and which I like in terms of color, style, and fit (although it needs to be expanded).
I think it's time for me to admit that I am not going to find a way to be sanguine with how much I weigh and what I look like as a consequence. I get that I'm not supposed to care and that I'm supposed to be happy to be healthy and learn to love (or at least be neutral) about my looks; I also fully acknowledge that I am influenced by the media and the unrealistic standards of beauty set by our entertainment sources. When I look around me, I see many women who probably weigh around what I do, and I think they look fine or better than fine and are dressed well. When I look in the mirror, I do not feel the same way about myself.
I wish that someone had told me in my late teens/early twenties that someday my metabolism would slow due to age and having children and I would no longer be able to control my weight with exercise. I wish my mom would have made clear to me exactly how hypothyroidism affects her and let me know that I needed to go ahead and develop good habits before they became necessary. I know this is up there on the list of obvious shit someone's saying they didn't know, right under oh god oh god we're all gonna die someday and the KY jelly is not intended for consumption, but it's true. I didn't know, not beyond the abstract.
And now, I feel like I've lost control of my body. In my twenties, I could control my weight by how much I exercised. Ten years ago, I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the gym every day and dropped 50 pounds in about six months. When you add in an autoimmune disorder that makes me lose my hair, makes my skin turn into scaly dragon hide that not even Khaleesi would find cute, and gives me insomnia; when you add in plantar fasciitis that makes me hobble around like an old woman and degenerative arthritis in both my knees; when you add in depression and anxiety--so much about myself is out of my control, and my physical body used to be something I could control.
I can't do that anymore. I go to the gym every day, and at most I'm just maintaining my current shape. I have a family and a full time job. I can't really justify spending more than an hour to an hour and a half at the gym every day. If I could be a gym rat and spend three or four hours at the gym per day, possibly I could control my weight with exercise alone, but that's just not feasible.
I have resisted changing the way I eat for a variety of reasons. I am deeply suspicious of diets that forbid categories of foods (outside of allergy reasons, like gluten for celiac)--you can never eat rice or potatoes or pasta or bread again, for example. I am also deeply afraid of losing weight only to gain it all back when my "lifestyle change" proves unsustainable. I'd rather not lose any at all than yo-yo. I have poor impulse control and little will power, and I'm not sure whether attempting to change the way I eat and failing to do so will be more or less mentally distressing than just not trying at all and being depressed about the way I look and feel.
I think I am ready to explore changing the way I eat, but I don't even know where to start or what to believe about the variety of diets and meal plans I find online. Sweets are not my downfall; we mostly don't buy them, but even when they're here, I don't indulge. We've had chocolate and candy and cookies and ice cream in the house for the past few weeks, and I've had one piece of chocolate in that time. I don't fry foods. I mostly drink water. We don't keep sweet tea in the house.
I do, however, love to snack from 9:00 until bedtime, and I do eat larger portions than I should.
Some things we have been trying since the fall: less red meat, more grains like quinoa and black rice, more fruits and veggies (salads with most meals), eating more protein to feel fuller, drinking green tea in the afternoon (so bleck bleck bleck, but I have been doing it), and drinking peppermint and other herbal tea in the evening instead of snacking.
Anyone have any suggestions on either the dieting or the exercising front? I don't have any illusions that I'm going to lose 50 pounds ever again, but I would like to feel like I am in control of my body again.
As an aside, it's also time to admit that my little exercise in the morning before work plan is an absolute bust. I'm still going to the gym every day, but not first thing in the morning. And that's okay. It was an experiment, and now I know that working first thing and exercising in the afternoon works best for me.
Commiseration and/or any other thoughts you have also welcome.
