Talking Meme
Feb. 6th, 2021 07:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunabee341. Talking Meme
corvidology asks: What would 18 year old you think about where you are/who you are now? What were her plan/hopes?
18 year old me was deeply ambitious and driven, intensely competitive, and super insecure. 18 year old me was a poet, a writer, who was going to be published soon. 18 year old me was rebellious; growing up in a repressive, fundamentalist household made me eager to be free and make my own choices.
I think past me would be very happy with where I have ended up in my career, but I think she would be surprised by how I've mellowed over the years. I am still ambitious and driven, but I am no longer obnoxious levels of competitive. I shudder to think at how irritating I must have been as a teen. In grad school, I decided that it was not feasible to do All the Things, and so my goal became to figure out the minimum amount of effort I needed to put into any activity to achieve the results I want. Granted, my minimum is often pretty high, but I'm not making myself sick trying to go above and beyond on every single thing.
I'm also not insecure anymore. Past me really wanted to be liked and wanted to be cool and edgy, and current me has accepted that I am never going to be cool and edgy. I am a middle-aged mom who goes to bed at 9:15 every night, and that's fine. I really value the friendships I have and don't worry about how popular I am or am not.
I think past me would be disappointed that I haven't published a novel or a collection of poems; to be honest, current me is pretty disappointed by that as well. But now me is really proud of my academic publications.
I think past me would also be dismayed by how much my upbringing still scars me. I have spent my entire adult life craving approval from my parents that is never going to come. I have felt so much anxiety and hurt from interacting with them at different times. They have been so ugly to me at various points over the years, and yet they also have been incredibly loving and generous. It's a terrible and confusing mix. Past me thought I would escape and be shed of it all; I'd find some spiritual practice that wasn't Christianity, and I'd live the life I wanted, and I'd never look back. Past me didn't realize that intellectually disbelieving that God punishes people for thinking the wrong things doesn't mean I won't still be emotionally afraid of that punishment. Basically, my upbringing and my family relationships are a big old mess that past me would be shocked that I haven't just figured out already. LOL
corvidology asks: What would 18 year old you think about where you are/who you are now? What were her plan/hopes?18 year old me was deeply ambitious and driven, intensely competitive, and super insecure. 18 year old me was a poet, a writer, who was going to be published soon. 18 year old me was rebellious; growing up in a repressive, fundamentalist household made me eager to be free and make my own choices.
I think past me would be very happy with where I have ended up in my career, but I think she would be surprised by how I've mellowed over the years. I am still ambitious and driven, but I am no longer obnoxious levels of competitive. I shudder to think at how irritating I must have been as a teen. In grad school, I decided that it was not feasible to do All the Things, and so my goal became to figure out the minimum amount of effort I needed to put into any activity to achieve the results I want. Granted, my minimum is often pretty high, but I'm not making myself sick trying to go above and beyond on every single thing.
I'm also not insecure anymore. Past me really wanted to be liked and wanted to be cool and edgy, and current me has accepted that I am never going to be cool and edgy. I am a middle-aged mom who goes to bed at 9:15 every night, and that's fine. I really value the friendships I have and don't worry about how popular I am or am not.
I think past me would be disappointed that I haven't published a novel or a collection of poems; to be honest, current me is pretty disappointed by that as well. But now me is really proud of my academic publications.
I think past me would also be dismayed by how much my upbringing still scars me. I have spent my entire adult life craving approval from my parents that is never going to come. I have felt so much anxiety and hurt from interacting with them at different times. They have been so ugly to me at various points over the years, and yet they also have been incredibly loving and generous. It's a terrible and confusing mix. Past me thought I would escape and be shed of it all; I'd find some spiritual practice that wasn't Christianity, and I'd live the life I wanted, and I'd never look back. Past me didn't realize that intellectually disbelieving that God punishes people for thinking the wrong things doesn't mean I won't still be emotionally afraid of that punishment. Basically, my upbringing and my family relationships are a big old mess that past me would be shocked that I haven't just figured out already. LOL
no subject
Date: 2021-02-06 04:06 pm (UTC)I left my mom's church at 21 and she didn't speak to me for months. We did get over it, though. My dad never was part of her church so that probably gave me more emotional wiggle room than you had, with him as an example of A Different Way.
Thanks for the post; fascinating.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-06 05:02 pm (UTC)With me, it's not just my parents; it's all my extended family, etc. It's just an overwhelming force of unified fundamentalism.
I'm glad you and your mom got through it and that your dad was an ally for you.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-06 06:38 pm (UTC)But my dad was living proof that you could be a good person, a spiritual person, without church and without dogma. He was and is a real sweetheart, despite his faults.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-07 12:33 pm (UTC)Your dad sounds like a lovely man.