Talking Meme

[lunabee34]

1. Talking Meme

corvidology asks: What would 18 year old you think about where you are/who you are now? What were her plan/hopes?

18 year old me was deeply ambitious and driven, intensely competitive, and super insecure. 18 year old me was a poet, a writer, who was going to be published soon. 18 year old me was rebellious; growing up in a repressive, fundamentalist household made me eager to be free and make my own choices.

I think past me would be very happy with where I have ended up in my career, but I think she would be surprised by how I've mellowed over the years. I am still ambitious and driven, but I am no longer obnoxious levels of competitive. I shudder to think at how irritating I must have been as a teen. In grad school, I decided that it was not feasible to do All the Things, and so my goal became to figure out the minimum amount of effort I needed to put into any activity to achieve the results I want. Granted, my minimum is often pretty high, but I'm not making myself sick trying to go above and beyond on every single thing.

I'm also not insecure anymore. Past me really wanted to be liked and wanted to be cool and edgy, and current me has accepted that I am never going to be cool and edgy. I am a middle-aged mom who goes to bed at 9:15 every night, and that's fine. I really value the friendships I have and don't worry about how popular I am or am not.

I think past me would be disappointed that I haven't published a novel or a collection of poems; to be honest, current me is pretty disappointed by that as well. But now me is really proud of my academic publications.

I think past me would also be dismayed by how much my upbringing still scars me. I have spent my entire adult life craving approval from my parents that is never going to come. I have felt so much anxiety and hurt from interacting with them at different times. They have been so ugly to me at various points over the years, and yet they also have been incredibly loving and generous. It's a terrible and confusing mix. Past me thought I would escape and be shed of it all; I'd find some spiritual practice that wasn't Christianity, and I'd live the life I wanted, and I'd never look back. Past me didn't realize that intellectually disbelieving that God punishes people for thinking the wrong things doesn't mean I won't still be emotionally afraid of that punishment. Basically, my upbringing and my family relationships are a big old mess that past me would be shocked that I haven't just figured out already. LOL

Comments

[amejisuto]

Your past self should be proud of you. You're an awesome person and a great friend!

[lunabee34]

Awww.

*blushes*

Thank you, sweetie.

[amejisuto]

You're welcome, love!

[princessofgeeks]

Those family roots really do run deep.

I left my mom's church at 21 and she didn't speak to me for months. We did get over it, though. My dad never was part of her church so that probably gave me more emotional wiggle room than you had, with him as an example of A Different Way.

Thanks for the post; fascinating.

[lunabee34]

*nods nods*

With me, it's not just my parents; it's all my extended family, etc. It's just an overwhelming force of unified fundamentalism.

I'm glad you and your mom got through it and that your dad was an ally for you.

[princessofgeeks]

My dad was never really an ally; he was hugely nonconfrontational and told me basically to not upset mom and not talk about my decisions and just do whatever I wanted without having The God Discussion with her. That was the path my younger sister took; she was more wily than I.

But my dad was living proof that you could be a good person, a spiritual person, without church and without dogma. He was and is a real sweetheart, despite his faults.

[lunabee34]

Ah, okay, gotcha.

Your dad sounds like a lovely man.

[solo]

I'm glad you think past you would be happy about your career! It's so important to feel that one got somewhere one wanted to be! And mellowing is great! What is aging for, if not being able to stop giving all the fucks?

I am a middle-aged mom who goes to bed at 9:15 every night, and that's fine.

Haha, I'm not a mom and it's 8pm, but apart from that, I feel seen! :)

Eeek I hit post instead of quote. Sorry.

I have spent my entire adult life craving approval from my parents that is never going to come. I have felt so much anxiety and hurt from interacting with them at different times.

Was it you that really related to Jiang Cheng? If so, this goes a good way towards explaining why! You know the Larkin poem, yes? (Not that I mean to imply you shouldn't have had kids!!!)

[lunabee34]

If I hadn't mellowed, I think I'd have had a nervous breakdown. I watched at least one person who was a type A overachiever like me totally lose it in grad school trying to Be the Best. I am much happier now than when I went through life thinking I had to "win" everything.

I haven't seen The Untamed, but I do know the Larkin poem, and it's such a good one--nice black humor.

[solo]

Yes, I love that Larkin poem! (I also love that it allows me to explain to my students that profanity in poetry is not unheard of! They are so precious sometimes...)

Oh, sorry about the Untamed thing then, but there's a chara there who basically is a decent guy getting totally warped and undermined by his mom's expectations and issues. I think you'd feel him. :(

[lunabee34]

Oh no worries. That does sound like a character that would really resonate with me.

They are so precious sometimes. LOL

[corvidology]

The US brought me into contact with a level of fundamentalism I'd never seen before and it was bloody scary. MG's immediate family aren't like that but his extended family definitely is and they find me... interesting. :D

That's my way of saying I know where you're coming from.

They fuck you up your mum and dad... My background is not fundamentalist but I'm the child no one is quite sure how they produced. Things got better for me when I realized that while I loved them I didn't have to like them and now, weirdly, I actually like a lot of them.

*squishes you* ♥

[lunabee34]

*nods and hugs*

I imagine that was very disconcerting and disturbing to encounter for the first time.

The last four years have definitely made it harder for me with my family. Before that, we had essentially reached an equilibrium. We had agreed not to talk about politics, etc., but Trump being in office made everything worse.

[spikedluv]

Thank you for sharing this personal post; it was a very interesting read.

I'm not sure how I ended up with a conservative family (not a problem, really, until the 2016 election). The one person where it really bothers me is my sister, who used to be quite liberal, until she married a conservative man. I'm just like, ugh, think for yourself!

[lunabee34]

Most of my family has been super conservative always, but I do have one aunt who was comparatively rather liberal when I was teen, and she was like a haven for me. It is so disconcerting to me that she's drunk the Kool-aide like the rest of them. I completely understand how you feel about your sister.

*hugs*

[spikedluv]

I find it so difficult to understand how anyone (obviously, not the racist, white supremacist, mysogynistic assholes, but normal folk) could like or trust that man. He opens his mouth and a lie comes out. And they're just completely blind to it. I'm boggled.

[lunabee34]

You and me both. For me, it's the religious people who have wholeheartedly accepted him that blows my mind. I don't think there's any understanding it. My brain hurts if I try.

[china_shop]

You are so cool and accomplished. I'm so glad I know you! *hugs*

[lunabee34]

Awwww. *blushes* Thank you.