Talking Meme

[lunabee34]

1. Talking Meme

corvidology asks: What would 18 year old you think about where you are/who you are now? What were her plan/hopes?

18 year old me was deeply ambitious and driven, intensely competitive, and super insecure. 18 year old me was a poet, a writer, who was going to be published soon. 18 year old me was rebellious; growing up in a repressive, fundamentalist household made me eager to be free and make my own choices.

I think past me would be very happy with where I have ended up in my career, but I think she would be surprised by how I've mellowed over the years. I am still ambitious and driven, but I am no longer obnoxious levels of competitive. I shudder to think at how irritating I must have been as a teen. In grad school, I decided that it was not feasible to do All the Things, and so my goal became to figure out the minimum amount of effort I needed to put into any activity to achieve the results I want. Granted, my minimum is often pretty high, but I'm not making myself sick trying to go above and beyond on every single thing.

I'm also not insecure anymore. Past me really wanted to be liked and wanted to be cool and edgy, and current me has accepted that I am never going to be cool and edgy. I am a middle-aged mom who goes to bed at 9:15 every night, and that's fine. I really value the friendships I have and don't worry about how popular I am or am not.

I think past me would be disappointed that I haven't published a novel or a collection of poems; to be honest, current me is pretty disappointed by that as well. But now me is really proud of my academic publications.

I think past me would also be dismayed by how much my upbringing still scars me. I have spent my entire adult life craving approval from my parents that is never going to come. I have felt so much anxiety and hurt from interacting with them at different times. They have been so ugly to me at various points over the years, and yet they also have been incredibly loving and generous. It's a terrible and confusing mix. Past me thought I would escape and be shed of it all; I'd find some spiritual practice that wasn't Christianity, and I'd live the life I wanted, and I'd never look back. Past me didn't realize that intellectually disbelieving that God punishes people for thinking the wrong things doesn't mean I won't still be emotionally afraid of that punishment. Basically, my upbringing and my family relationships are a big old mess that past me would be shocked that I haven't just figured out already. LOL

Comments

[lunabee34]

Most of my family has been super conservative always, but I do have one aunt who was comparatively rather liberal when I was teen, and she was like a haven for me. It is so disconcerting to me that she's drunk the Kool-aide like the rest of them. I completely understand how you feel about your sister.

*hugs*

[spikedluv]

I find it so difficult to understand how anyone (obviously, not the racist, white supremacist, mysogynistic assholes, but normal folk) could like or trust that man. He opens his mouth and a lie comes out. And they're just completely blind to it. I'm boggled.

[lunabee34]

You and me both. For me, it's the religious people who have wholeheartedly accepted him that blows my mind. I don't think there's any understanding it. My brain hurts if I try.